Melancholic Derivations

November 15, 2007

Homebound

Time is a commodity which we always seem to take for granted. How many times have we, as humans, complained that time flies? It certainly seems so again this year, because in a matter of hours I will be leaving Melbourne for the summer for the fourth and final time in my undergraduate life.

Reflection is a trait which we often seem to miss especially in the midst of hectic schedules and on-the-go lifestyles. And as much as I would like to reflect on 2007 that's just gone by, I am overwhelmed by the Providence of God which has been manifested to me through this year. Not only have I grown spiritually and in maturity over the year, God has imbued in me a new-found sense of confidence and charisma which I will take home with me to the internship. It's strange to think that circumstances in life shape us, mould us into the people we will turn out to be and yet we seek to control the circumstances which arrive at our doorstep. I am grateful to God for the year of opportunities and favour and I am astounded at the power of Faith and Prayer in the accomplishment of the impossible.

Even as I depart Melbourne on SQ228 tomorrow, I refuse to let this spiritual high go on a hiatus like all the previous summers have turned out. Somehow in Singapore, there is this general sense of spiritual dryness which engulfs me the moment I'm home. Whether it be because of the creature comforts of home, or the hostile spiritual climate, I am determined not to let the year in Melbourne go to waste. Because if all we hold dear is a part of us we're willing to let go of in adversity, then it speaks volumes about our character when it comes to the crunch.

I need prayer, I need a stable church to attend. And in Thee will I trust.

"Sola Fide."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 3:19 AM

November 01, 2007

Immeasurable Love

I've been silent these past weeks, partly due to the examinations but also partly due to my attempt to re-convene 'audiences' with Jehovah God nightly. It's been good, but this song by Casting Crowns perfectly encapsulated what the daily struggle of a Christian entails.

Casting Crowns - East to West

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus can You show me
Just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred Hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my Sin
Time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus can You show me
Just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred Hand to the other.

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the Truth your Word reveals
I'm not holding on to You
But You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far
The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred Hand to the other.

Just how far, the East is from the West
From one scarred Hand to the other.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." - Psalms 103:12

Labels: Thoughts, YHWH

Traveller fell apart at 2:41 PM

September 30, 2007

Woeful Epiphanies

What brings about this search for the Truth? A desperate need so finely ingrained within us that even our attempts to deny the Truth have resulted in a further confirmation of this desperate searching. Who determines where we go or stay? Whether we live or die? What is the human will? Where do we go after we leave this Earth? Is God theistic or deistic? Does God still speak to us directly in modern times? All pertinent questions, but answers deemed grey by humanity's greatest minds.

I've been feeling the strain, like I'm fighting an upward and insurmountable war against those who call themselves Christians like us. I'll be quick to affirm that I'm not about to pass judgement on whether or not their beliefs are Gospel-truth, seeing as I am human and my judgements merely limited. But what I strongly believe is that everything that is preached from the pulpit or practiced in the pews can be corroborated with the Bible, something which Charismatics will be hard-pressed to do.

Show me where in the Bible it says that tongues will be spoken in present day! Demonstrate the powers of 'prophecy' that they claim have touched the lives of millions? All I can recall is the strong warnings of God against this sort of behaviour found in Deuteronomy 18:10, "There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch." Words so strongly against such practices but yet, taken so lightly in a Charismatic movement which seeks to discredit the Old Testament.

A knowledgeable and outspoken Charismatic (very rare, I assure you) debated with me as to the relevance of the Old Testament Law to this age of grace. And I found it amusing that a certain big church in Singapore actually preaches that the Ten Commandments are no longer relevant in our day and age. What heresy! I constantly struggle and do my best to plant the seed of Truth within the hearts of these people, but what a constant struggle it has been! For "There is a way that seemeth right unto a man; but the end thereof are ways of death. - Proverbs 16:25"

This age of Charismatism is a disease spreading across the entire spectrum of Christianity, and yet it is something that we as Fundamental Christians cannot ignore. For if we allow our faith to be contaminated by the words of heresies and untruths, then we run the risk of losing the solidarity of our Message forever.

In the meantime, I will pray in fervent hope for these lost souls.

Sola Fide, Sola Scriptura, Sola Christus, Sola Gratia, Sola Deo Gloria.

Labels: Thoughts, YHWH

Traveller fell apart at 2:17 AM

August 17, 2007

Contemplative Stirrings

I'm nearing the end of my journey in Melbourne, one which leaves me astounded as to the ferocity with which time has snatched the moments away from my grasp. In approximately 7 months (excluding the summer break in Singapore), I would have ended undergraduate life and begun to take the first steps into the throes of the working world. In approximately 7 months, I will officially be termed an adult and responsible for my own finances, relationships and accountability. And honestly, it's daunting.

I constantly reflect and wonder, thinking about how I've spent the time in Melbourne and how I've grown in retrospect. It was good in a way, knowing that my undergraduate life in a foreign land was a dress rehearsal for the real thing that was to come, the real test of life which comes to us all. The props must be put away now, the curtains drawn as the stage is set for the main actor of my life to take centrestage. Perhaps it's true then, when Shakespeare comments that all the world's a stage and the men and women in it merely players. But even the bravest and most experienced of actors must go through stage fright, something that threatens to derail the calm exuding from me.

There are yet many battles left to fight in my life, and many walls and fortresses to be broken down as the army charges into battle. But even as the gates of protection come undone before me, there is an air of nostalgia and apprehensiveness that pervades the atmosphere. But I will kneel and pray to the Almighty, who is always in control, that he might guide my paths and bring me victory in the battle which matters the most - the battle for my own soul.

"And if you'd never had my heart, I would have never called you back from the start."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 1:22 AM

August 06, 2007

Irresistible Grace

How does one go through life resisting infinite grace when it is handed on a silver platter? How do scientists look at the inner workings of nature and conclude an evolutionary thesis? How do people use the Proverbs found in the Bible everyday and not accede to them? Shocking, but an increasingly astounding fact. Simply put, the veil which continues to cloud the vision of the pre-believers continues to grow, and it has begun now to intrude on sacred ground of the Church.

Richard Dawkins, in publishing his 'well-documented' book The God Delusion has effectively opened up a can of worms within the religious community, or has he? Perhaps all he's managed to accomplish is to establish himself as the god of atheism; perhaps all he's able to muster up in the midst of those biting and cynical comments are the stirrings of even more violence and dissent. I find it amusing when atheists all over quote him as if he is some sort of reference book for Atheism 101. For every Richard Dawkins, however, there will be a Charles Spurgeon. Both intellectuals in their own right and both vehement and fervent in their logical rationalising of their beliefs. However, as light and darkness cannot mix, so too are their arguments. One must be right, and the other wrong.

The bitter nature of these philosophical debates have raged on since Aristotle, Plato and Socrates. Such is the nature of Man, an eternal desire for Truth and Meaning in Existence; and such is the origin of such debates. Perhaps only when Post-Modernism drops its mind-numbing rhetoric and influence over vast portions of society, will we see a revival in faith and spirituality. Until then, all we can place our hopes in, is Irresistible Grace.

"Life is not what I thought it was, twenty-four hours ago. Still, I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You."

Labels: Thoughts, YHWH

Traveller fell apart at 2:16 AM

June 30, 2007

A Farewell

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

Words quoted by famous playwright William Shakespeare in 'As You Like It' and words so pertinently true for what's facing me now. As I draw nearer to the completion of my undergraduate life, I begin to acutely feel the pinch of loss as friends I've made here take steps towards other chapters of their life, especially those who have decided that their future does not lie in Melbourne. Life's like that, people come and go through the revolving doors of your heart - leaving their imprint and then disappearing as fast as they appeared. Some of them are forgettable as footprints in sand, others not so easily forgotten.

My dear friend Robby leaves on a Sunday afternoon flight back to Singapore and consequently, his undergraduate life in Melbourne as a student. When he touches down, he will find love and the creature comforts of home. Yet, he will also find uncertainty and struggle as he contends with both the materialistic climate back home and the demands placed on him by both the workplace and home. I have confidence though, that my dear brother in Christ will be victorious in his struggle. What makes me so sure? The evidence is all there, his actions and demeanour now betray the stirrings of a man whose heart is truly passionate for God.

When we first arrived in Melbourne, we were as travellers on a murky road - both unsure as to what the future in Melbourne would hold for us. We were also journeymen on a spiritual quest to find true meaning in life and consequently, true deliverance in the name of Christ. Looking back through all these years, Robby has been one person who's consistently been there to share my triumphs and pain. And for that, I really give thanks to God for providing me such a wonderful brother in Christ. I remember November 2004, where he invited another friend and me to his house for a home-cooked dinner. It was there that his hospitality and his willingness to serve his friends stood out for me, providing much-needed inspiration in an area of life where I was struggling with personally.

It was fun finding out his true nature, his quirks and mindset, his preferences and distastes - all a process of planting and nurturing a deep-rooted friendship. I remember Oceania Convention 2005 where we would often sneak off early from late-night service together with Kevin Cheng in order to squeeze out an extra 10 minutes of sleep. I remember his baptism and how I was there to witness it and to share in his joy. I remember all the soccer sessions and all the great goals and even more extravagant misses. I remember the sheperding sessions with Keith and how we would share private jokes under his nose. So many memories this friendship will hold, and I will always hold in my heart.

I say goodbye to him not forever, because I'm sure we'll see each other again in Singapore. I say goodbye to him as a fellow undergraduate, fellow overseas student in Melbourne and fellow journeyman in a three years I saw Robby mature into a passionate man of God.

Goodbye Robby, you will be sorely missed.

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 12:49 AM

May 20, 2007

Finding Contentment

I haven't been happy in a long while, that much I admit. If you asked me when was the last time I felt truly at bliss, at peace, I'd say it's been far too long since that instance for me to recall off-hand. Simply put, I've had trouble finding simple contentment in the smaller things in life and all I've done is focus on the shortcomings and adversities I've had to overcome. But life is like that for everyone else, we all have our personal struggles and battles to wage, and similarly we all have our little things in life to be content about.

I'm trying my best now to find contentment in the little things in life, in aspects that I've been blessed by God. Despite the worries and uncertainty about my future love life, I know I have a wonderful family to fall back on. I failed to see that in the past, and taking that point of view seems so liberating now. I worried about not earning enough to be able to call myself successful but now I realise, money really isn't everything if you don't have true contentment and completeness from within.

Some say that completeness from within doesn't necessarily have to come from above, it can be found in the things around us. I fail to see this point. Deep inside every human soul, is a void which can only be filled by the Creator God and any other attempt to suggest otherwise falls far short. All the struggles, pursuits of fame, power and wealth are merely attempts to fill that void in with worldly condiments; and like all things worldly, are destined to moth and rust in the end. How much better is it to put our trust in things above, where moth and rust do not destroy, where thieves do not break in to steal? Equally, how much better is it to place our love above rather than on humans who will fail us from time to time.

Worldly love isn't that important if you see it from the grand scheme of things. We'd do well to realise that, and to stop building a shrine to commemorate this creation of God's.

"I wear the pain and grin, I play the part again. So everyone will see me the way that I see them."

Labels: Thoughts, YHWH

Traveller fell apart at 12:59 PM

May 10, 2007

Dead Inside

Splender - I Think God Can Explain

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it, yeah

The scent of vaseline in the summertime
The feel of an ice cube melting over time
The world seems bigger than both of us
Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it, yeah

I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get off of your back

I think God can explain, I think God can explain
I think God can explain

I think the key to dealing with such situations is trust in His unfailing Will. It is a hard thing to grasp given the finite-ness of our minds and understanding but then again, faith was never an easy journey to begin with. I'm trying to take it in my stride and I'm praying fervently for release and relief, and I'm also beseeching God for my path in life, for my plans whatever they may be. I really hope He will show me what He has planned for me.

Labels: Melancholic, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 9:24 PM

May 05, 2007

Spiderman 3

Disclaimer: Do not read if you have not watched Spider-Man 3!

I've never been particularly fond of Peter Parker and his alter ego, Spiderman. To me, they represented an anti-thesis to the 'conflicted superhero' theme I've always believed to be the most interesting. Simply put, Peter Parker exhibits too much joy and happiness which stems from the almost perfect life that he's enjoying. Mary Jane, Aunt May, job at the Bugle, fame and adoration as Spiderman, the man's practically got the world eating right out of his hands; or so I thought.

I guess Spiderman 3 changed my perspectives not only about the psyche of this superhero, but also certain truths which are largely ignored in today's world. Throughout the movie, the theme of revenge-forgiveness was recurrent and was evidently consuming Peter Parker as he sought his own brand of justice. The cesspool of hate which welled up in his heart eventually resulted in an entirely ugly manifestation of his desire to hurt those who'd hurt him. It was amazing the way Sam Raimi seamlessly weaved together a story on which Peter Parker would learn the true meaning of forgiveness in so many aspects of his life. Even more amazing was the final scene where we are told that "everyone has choices to do the right or wrong thing". So true, it seemed like a direct arrow to my heart.

For me, the action and special effects were secondary; the romance between Spiderman and Mary Jane merely a sideshow. The real meat of the show, I felt, was the eventual realisation that all that really mattered was the ones he had left and not the ones that were gone. That revenge was an all-consuming poison which he had no place going after. That Harry was really just a good guy who had misunderstood the situation and directed his rage in the wrong way. That the Sandman was really just a desperate criminal driven into a corner by prevailing life circumstances. And most importantly, was Aunt May's pearl of wisdom when sought her opinion on his impending proposal to Mary Jane. "A man must learn to put his wife and family above himself. Can you do that, Peter?"

Thank you Sam Raimi, for a genuine masterpiece of a movie.

"The only resolution and only joy, is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 12:16 AM

April 29, 2007

Contused Confusion

If there's one thing that I've been starkly and constantly reminded of, it's that romance is similar to a chess game. There are two players, essentially in the game. They try to guess and second-guess the other person's moves and depending on level of interest, they make moves to counter or to checkmate. I always wished it would be more simple, that things didn't have to be so complicated. But it's a cold hard fact; few things in life are that simple and it makes the fact that the Gospel is a simple message so much more worth cherishing.

Sometimes on the way to school, I look at the sky and scenery around me, take a deep breath and take it all in. My thoughts begin to wander and I see myself 10-20 years down the road with a wife and family, enjoying everything that a family enjoys. But there is this voice within me that tells me that more often than not, especially with regards to me, it's "too good to be true" rather than "happily ever after". I've never wanted to believe that because it would mean that everything in life henceforth would be meaningless. Can a man live that way? A meaningless existence and finding no pleasure in sensory perception. It's scary but it's looming large at the moment.

Fear is a part of every man's existence. It's his bane and yet sometimes, his comfort zone. I don't want that to be part of me, I want to live courageously and yet, I yearn to constantly ask God where my inheritance is. And then I'm reminded of a few phrases from the Bible. Most notable are "Seek ye first the kingdom of God" and "Love is patient". Those are the little bits of wisdom that keep me through this maelstrom of uncertainty and apprehension.

"I was living in the past, but somehow you brought me back. All I'm asking you, is don't write me off just yet."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 11:37 PM

April 08, 2007

Easter Hiatus

It's been an edifying few days. Easter Camp at Ebenezer was particularly rewarding because not only were the seminars and themes delivered powerfully from the pulpit, the company was excellent as well. I'm slowly beginning to enjoy being in this church, and I hope that this time, it won't turn all awry like how the last experience did. It's been great meeting the young adults at Bible Study, growing together in God and learning more about each other's quirks as we go. Quintessentially, Ebenezer's slowly beginning to feel like a home church to me; something which I've been craving since Day One in Melbourne.

I'm a bloody choosy person when it comes to romance, I think I've established that before. But recently, I've been wondering if it is this choosy attitude which will eventually lead to a lifetime in solitude. I still cannot, however, accept the notion that one can be abit loose in terms of criteria in choosing a life partner. How can you gamble on your lifetime's happiness? It is ludicrous and something which I would never do. For me, the stand remains that I'd rather be alone than be with someone whom I'm not completely satisfied with. At the moment, though, the former looks like a more plausible reality.

Over my summer working at Ernst & Young, I realised that working life in Singapore eats up your social life. Even if you're not called back to the office on the weekends, you'd feel generally too lethargic to wander around town. This lack of social life permeates into a subsequent lack of romantic eventualities and the result? Singlehood rate in Singapore rising at an alarming rate, so alarming that the government has to introduce campaigns which teach people the basics of dating. It's quite amusing and at the same time scary because there is this sinking feeling within me that the likelihood of me remaining single is looming large (read: 1.5 years away).

And everyday I wonder what the Lord has in store for me. O, the mystery. O, the anticipation.

"The miles are getting longer it seems, the closer I get to you."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 4:46 PM

April 01, 2007

Maybe, just maybe.

I thought about something today and it wasn't something very nice. Granted, it's far-fetched at this point and yet, its not unconceivable. But I wonder, just wonder if it's God trying to tell me the answer to the question that I've been asking all this while. I need confirmation, desperately. Because not knowing God's will is something Man has been contending with for all of eternity and yet, we often never know till it hits us. Does it really have to be that way this time? I hope not, God.

Because this answer may affect whether I stay or go. Because this answer may change the way the next ten years pans out for me. Because I'm at the crossroads of two very different paths and at the moment, there's no telling the difference.

Jason Mraz - You And I Both

Was it You who spoke the words
That things would happen but not to me
All things are gonna happen naturally
Oh, taking Your advice and I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing

Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh, until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
and others just read of
Others only read of the love
Oh, the love that I love
Love-ah-love

See, I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words than I had ever heard
And I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now

Oh love, love, you and I, you and I
Not so little, you and I anymore
Mmm hmm
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving
Is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well then im almost finally out of, finally ou-ou-out of
Finally de de de de de de de, well I'm almost finally, finally
Well, I am free, oh I'm free

And it's okay
If you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
Well, they're working in both ways
But if I never, ever hear them ring
If nothing else
I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else

And that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you say

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally de de de de de de de de
Well I'm almost finally
Finally out of words.

"I'm all out of words to say, in Your unbending Will I lay. I commit all, to You."

Labels: Thoughts, YHWH

Traveller fell apart at 2:20 AM

March 28, 2007

A Dark Valentine's

It was a day like any other. I remember complaining about the fact that I would have to do community service as part of school requirements and how you told me it was a good thing to be able to help the needy. I smirked and shrugged it off, dismissing you faster than you could utter another phrase. The car ride was silent, interrupted briefly only by the conversation you tried to start between us. All you got were grunts and little nods of acknowledgement; oh how I regret that. We reached the orphanage and I shouted at you, telling you not to interrupt me when I was busy with my own indulgences. You smiled wryly and drove off. Little did I know it would be the last time I saw you alive.

The day passed in a flash, and I was sitting at home when the phone call came. You were having difficulty breathing and Auntie Ai Cheng told me not to panic but to get ready to leave for the hospital. I breathed in deeply, hoping to calm myself, hoping to stem the tide which threatened to leave me a sobbing wreck. The car ride was excruciating, worried thoughts continuously playing all worst-case scenarios again and again. At some point, I knew you were gone but I scarcely dared accept that reality. As the car pulled up to NUH, I knew that a life-changing moment was about to dawn on me.

When Mom ran out of the Emergency Ward crying, my heart sank. The hopes and optimism I carried with me washed away in a tide of her tears and mine. I stumbled through the swinging doors, hoping to at least catch a moment with you before you left this world. But it was not to be. That tirade I hurled at you would be our last communique as father and son. My lips quivered as I saw you on that table, lifeless and cold; eyes shut in eternal rest. The tears did not come, surprisingly. It was just....a void. A void which no one has yet been able to fill thus far. The memories of us during our bonding sessions flashed past my eyes as I held your stiff hands. I apologised profusely knowing that it meant nothing. It was all for nothing. I had lost a best friend, a piece of me and most importantly, a father.

It's been almost a decade since that fateful Valentine's Day. Yet the events remain etched in memory like scars on the sands of time. I am sorry, and I will always be. You are missed and loved, Papa.

Richard E: 1949 - 1998

"Could it be any harder? To say goodbye without you. Could it be any harder? To watch you go, to face what's true. If I only had one....more day."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 12:39 AM

March 20, 2007

Entrusting All

There are times in our human existence where we imagine ourselves infallible, we believe that our mind overcomes every obstacle. Where does it stop, though? Only when our mistake has led to disastrous consequences both for ourselves and those around us? Or when we're gently reminded that we are but finite in this infinite reality? They say death is the great equalizer of men. How true, how spot on.

There are many times I've been tempted to and have transgressed boundaries the Lord has set for me. I've ventured beyond the 'big red line' and found only misery and regret on the other side. It's funny that they say the grass is always greener on the other side because when it comes to life itself, there is nothing really, on the other side. The times where we want to believe that there is something awaiting us on the other side are really just times where we want to find excuses to indulge in our own carnality. I'm done living that lie. It's His way and His will for my life from now on.

And that's why I'm patiently waiting for the right time. Because I've been down this path one too many times where I've acted rashly and ruined Perfect plans for me. Whether or not you turn out to be the person God has set aside for me will only be known in His perfect timing. The rest is secondary and unimportant. It's tough, gritting my teeth and watching as life passes both of us by whilst there could have been so many 'opportune' moments. But patience has always been a virtue and more so in this case.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 11:46 PM

March 04, 2007

A Letter To You

Hi,

Being the cautious person I am, I would never allow you to read this. Because what I'm about to detail are things which I hold dear to my heart, things which if insensitively treated, might hurt me. I realise that typing this in a public blog runs contrary to what I seem to want, but that's what I like about the Internet; No one will ever know who you are, and hence, my responsibility is absolved along with that sense of anonymity.

Truth be told, I've enjoyed your company since we first got to know each other. How you always seem to come up with a smile to every tough situation faced, the grace and delicacy with which you handle difficult people in our Bible Study amazes me and leaves me confounded at how so much patience and peace could reside within a single soul of a person. I've never particularly been fond of demure and sweet girls and I think my track record proves that. But somehow, with you, I feel a sense of peace and serenity that I've never felt in my life thus far. Not in these 24 years, no. You make my day whenever we meet, even if it's just for a short while, even for some trivial event; and I'm left grinning like a 13-year-old schoolboy who's just been kissed for the first time every single time.

I can't exactly say when I started having these feelings for you nor can I give an exact recount of the countless beautiful moments which have taken place between us. There were times at Drummond where our eyes would meet from across the room and I'd be scared to death at what to think of that. Whether to deny it in my mind and to tell myself that you were looking elsewhere and not at me or whether to embrace the thought that you might be feeling the same way I feel about you. I'm always looking over your shoulder, hoping in some way to manufacture opportunities to meet until recently when I decided to let God be our matchmaker. In that way, I'd be able to see if any future, possible relationship would be ordained by our Heavenly Father.

You deserve the best person to look after you and to care for you the rest of your life. Make no mistake about that and never short-change yourself. Whether or not I happen to be that person is irrelevant because irregardless of anything ever happening between us, I'd still want the best for you. And so, with that thought in mind, I've left any possibility between us to God. I've been thinking alot about the future recently, about whether I'm going to settle down with anyone at all after attending the weddings of two friends. The thoughts of being alone for life induce fear and apprehension but at the same time, I don't want to compromise on what I know would be best for me. But there is something I'm clear about.

It's that if I were to end up with anyone in the end, I'd want it to be someone who has a soul like yours. And knowing that, I'd be contented forever.

Yours Sincerely,
Joel.

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 12:42 AM

February 17, 2007

Saying My Goodbyes

They say that goodbyes are the hardest part to swallow down in a person's life. I've never felt the essence of that statement, the emotionality of it usually bouncing off the stone cold shield I've erected around myself. Till today.

My internship at Ernst & Young ended today, leaving me in slight limbo over the way I'd spend the rest of my 6 days in Singapore. I realise I've revolved my life around work and the office so much so that I've effectively left myself empty inside and lost when there isn't an office to go to. The late nights, the difficult clients and the frustrating work all paled in comparison to the laughter, jokes and camaraderie my audit team shared with one another. It made things easier to go through, and time passed quickly even as I was enjoying my time with them. Suddenly, I've found myself at the end of this journey; a journey I initially began with slight apprehension and nervousness but one which I now find myself missing so much. Lessons have been learnt through this work experience, not only technical career-wise ones but also life lessons and methods of dealing with people, be they difficult or friendly. It's been such an epiphany for me and there are definitely no regrets.

Besides my summer vacation job, I've also been forced to say goodbye to H.J. Heights, a condominium I've lived in for nearly 20 years of my life. It's been sold in an en bloc and with confirmation coming through on the sale, we've been given to the end of the year to pack up and move on. It isn't really the dingy old buildings I will miss per se, but rather the company I will sorely hanker after. The childhood friends I've made during my years here, how we used to play soccer by the pool and the irate responses those activities brought about; how we loved to spend time in each others' houses hammering away on those PlayStation controllers or playing make-believe games when we were younger. These are memories I will keep with me all my life, and more so now after all the physicalities are done away with. We've grown up alot, from young, innocent kids into mature, responsible adults. I'm proud of us all for the way we turned out and I'm just sad that we'll soon be dispersing into various diasporas of Singaporean communities. But such is life, constantly evolving, changing and unforgiving. My childhood was a part of life I thought would never fall prey to the ever-changing nature of time. But now, even that will be reclaimed by the metal arm of a bulldozer.

I said my goodbyes to the colleagues at Ernst & Young and also to my childhood friends today, leaving me feeling a tad bit melancholic now. It's abit tough not to swallow hard, when you've said goodbye to effectively half your life in a single day.

"Que sara, sara. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 2:02 AM

January 06, 2007

Masked Betrayal

As human beings, it is normal to crave righteousness, to know that we're in the right and that everyone else who doesn't agree is in the wrong. Essentially, throughout the history of Man, it has been a struggle against the 'others' who quite simply, don't agree with our point of view. Because they don't, they are the enemy and must most certainly be wrong. I am no exception then; I am merely a man who craves that jubilation when proven right, when a speculation I've had for a long time turns out to be in my favour. I really love that feeling of being proven right, but in this case, I wish I was so wrong.

Betrayal is another aspect in life which everyone must learn to deal with. Everyone betrays somebody's trust some time, it is an unavoidable and yet, pervasive moot point in life. But often, it is not acquaintances or hi-bye friends who go through with the betrayal. What makes betrayal garner its insidious and dark meaning is the fact that it most usually stems from someone whom we love and trust. Sadly, it is the people whom we often expect not to betray who do so. It is an issue I've been learning to cope with, to swallow and take in my stride. But it is hard, it is a difficult pill to swallow, not bitter but oh, so poisonous. But I've done it. I've wrestled with myself all night and managed to force it down my throat knowing though, that its yet another stain on my soul... another poison that's been introduced into my already tainted fabric of reality.

I'm disappointed and hurt but it'll pass like so many other things in life. It's just that things like these that happen show me why it is important to choose your friends and the ones you love wisely.

"Transgression forms an everyday part of our life. What defines us is how we deal with them."

Labels: Melancholic, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 12:13 PM

December 10, 2006

Till Death Do Us Part

I've been in semi-hiatus mode from blogging, partly due to a 'comatose' state I've been in for the past few weeks but mostly due to an apparent lack of inspiration with regards to my blog content. I don't believe in just blogging about my life and what I did, simply because I don't think those things are important enough for me to actually own a webspace and to tell blog audiences about which meal I ate at McDonalds. Today though, stirred up a hornet's nest within me.

Attending a primary school classmate's wedding tonight, I found myself forced to confront issues which had been left dormant and unresolved. As the music played and the blissful couple sauntered down the parapet, I felt a sense of apprehension begin to take over me. It was as if I was trying to imagine myself sometime down the road in that exact same position, and yet, I couldn't imagine it. I've begun doubting whether marriage will occur in the near future or even at all. And you know marriage should be around the corner when a guy who used to play marbles and 'catching' around the school corridors with you sees fit to tie the knot.

But let's be fair. He signed on for the Navy and is able to sustain a stable income. He's been dating the same girl for almost 7 years before they decided to get married. Short of the ride up the Eiffel, their love story's practically a fairy tale. As the montage of their photos played together with snazzy 80s love songs, I began to wonder whether I'd ever find anyone. Perhaps it's inevitable that such feelings come, given the company I was in; most of my primary school classmates are happily attached and enjoy the security of a stable long-term relationship. Some of them were even speculating as to who would be handing out the invitation within the next five years. And all I could mutter deep down as the banter continued was, "not me".

Perhaps its human nature to want to feel needed and loved by someone. And try as I may, its hard to be completely apathetic to the concept of love. Believe me, ever since last year I've tried and failed to dispel love from my life. It's hard not to love family and friends who constantly shower undemanding affection towards you, and it's equally as hard as a guy not to develop feelings for a girl who meets your criteria. But to take that next step, to seriously pursue and sustain a long-term relationship... that is where my 'emotional block' lies.

I can't, it's really too difficult. And maybe just as well. Because as far as I can tell, it will be a long time before I find myself saying 'I Do' at the altar.

"You're driftwood floating underwater, breaking into pieces...and pieces."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 3:38 AM

November 25, 2006

The Hammer Blow

Tonight's the night. The night I put the final nail in the coffin to any hope of us salvaging anything from the relationship. From December 16th 2005 till now, I'd always secretly harboured silent hopes of us somehow finding the resolve or chemistry to once again mend what's broken down between us. There were nights in secret where I'd try to look on the bright side of things, where somehow I'd think of ways I might show you I was changing. That I was becoming who you wanted me to be.

Perhaps I've been too soft all along, always trying to accommodate your whims and fancies. Perhaps that's the precise reason why it failed all along, not the reasons you suggested were the case. But don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or emotional right now. It's just a silent resolution that I've thought of after these past weeks where I've been given much room and space for introspection. I don't want to hold on to those things that I believe still exist, I don't want to be chained to this prison of emotional stasis at all. I need to be free, free to pursue my own happiness and future stability.

Last night on the way home, I heard this song on the radio and resolved to myself. Tonight was the night I dropped the hammer blow.

The All-American Rejects - It Ends Tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all that wants
And all that needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
Your finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight

It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when your blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know.

A weight is lifted on this evening, I give the final blow.

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 2:39 AM

November 18, 2006

New Horizons

I've blogged alot in the past year about melancholy, solitude and my dark thoughts. It was unavoidable, given the circumstances I found myself caught in; a maelstrom of uncertainty and hurt, washed away in my own grief and already melancholic nature. It hasn't been easy dealing with the issues this past year, but I'm glad to say I've come out stronger than before. I know I've declared myself free of emotional wreckage more times than I care to remember this year, but I can only say that this time I think it's really behind me. I'm joyful deep down, really I am.

Have you ever caught someone's gaze while they're looking dreamy? It's said that when you do, you get a true reflection of that person's soul. Right at that moment. It's amazing what you see when you aren't expecting to, astounding what you feel when you're not willing to. But I think I saw something right at that moment in time, I saw a glimpse of light. Some semblance of hope in an all-too-dreary future. And maybe that's what I need right now, something to kickstart my life back in order.

I'm not afraid to try again, and I hope it's mutual. But that's it, isn't it? I can only hope and pray that God's choice prevails. I'm apprehensive, I admit that. But could you blame me after all that's happened? I'm apprehensive, cautious but I'm not afraid. I want to give it a try, but I've got to know if what I'm feeling is just a figment of my imagination or something concrete. Perhaps you are too, wondering, waiting, hoping. And perhaps we are both doing that same wondering... under the same night sky... right at that granule of sand in the hourglass. Intertwined.

"You give me something that makes me scared alright. This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try. Please give me something, that someday I might know in my heart."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 4:12 AM