March 29, 2005
I think that many times, we as humans, when expected to fathom the true extent of God's greatness, severely fall short. Alot of things happened over the weekend at the Oceania Convention ; people were healed, demons were exorcised, missionaries found their calling and leaders found their purpose. Yet, even through these miracles and wonders, I failed to find joy when expected to forgo sleep. And I wonder why. Honestly. Was it due to my failure to overcome physical and mental barriers? Or was it, as Chung Wei put it, due to my lack of heart? I'm still searching for answers.
I think God really manifested Himself to me this weekend. And many thoughts ran through my mind as we were singing songs of praise. I began to attempt to compartmentalise God and His many great works. I tried to figure out how a timeless being like Him would be able to send His Son to a timed existence. How Jesus would feel in the change of environment? Spirit to Flesh, Timeless to Timed, Bliss to Sorrow? It's quite amazing when you begin to feel the true extent of the sacrifice He made. It wasn't just about being crucified. It was the very concept that He came down from perfection into imperfection. All in the name of making us pure. I shuddered at the thought of it because throughout history, no other 'god' can claim to have done that. To have made such a big sacrifice and demand so little of its believers. Most of the time, it's the other way round.
Anyhow, the Convention is over and the real world beckons. Somehow, it feels overwhelming. Oceania Convention 2005 felt like a little space in Heaven, compared to the harsh realities of life. But this is the real world now, and it leaves no room for wistful contemplation. Oceania Convention will be a memory, but it will be a good one. Something I can relate to when I feel down and out, as a little piece of Heaven that I was once part of.
"I want to fly on eagle's wings but somehow I'm always grounded."
Traveller fell apart at 10:51 AM
March 23, 2005
It's been a hectic couple of weeks for me, what with having settled my house matters and then proceeding to getting a car. But I'm happy, after scouring CarSales desperately looking for a good deal, I've got myself a pretty nice Mazda 323 Astina Sedan. More pictures when I've actually washed the car and topped it up. For now, it's lying outside the house as if in a quiet state of 'meditation'.
Certain events which have occurred in the past few days have touched on issues I initially didn't want to come to terms with. I think I've mentioned in earlier posts that timing was really, really crucial when it comes to opportunities in life. You miss by that few minutes and it really doesn't matter if you missed it by hours or days. What matters is that you seize the opportunity, whenever you are presented with it. I think I found that out the hard way yesterday.
Really. If only you knew. If only I had the guts to call a few hours or even a day earlier.
But spending life living in regret isn't a conducive way to live it. In fact, it's a problem many people face nowadays ; what with an ever changing modern society. We barely have time to think about our mistakes, let alone live them all over again. Stop for a split second and you're left behind. Regret and you face being pushed aside.
So perhaps I don't have time to sit and regret about things I didn't do ; at least not in this fast paced ever-changing modern society. The best I can do is bite my lips and soldier on, hopeful that my mistakes wouldn't come back to haunt me, or even worse, destroy me.
But I can hope. And I think I'll save that last ray of idealism within me for you. Because you are definitely worth it.
"Oh, here we go again and I'm so spent. My head is spinning. Oh, can you bail me out of this rut I've got myself in once again?"
Traveller fell apart at 11:33 PM
March 13, 2005
You've left me no choice, but to wait that lonesome wait.
I've left myself no choice, not settling for anything less.
As we walked along those stone-cobbled slopes
Laughing, anticipating, watching silently.
We've left each other no choice, but to wonder 'what if'.
I think that the best things in life come to those who wait. And that's why I think I'm just going to stay by this corner and see if things change.
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
The strands in your eyes that colour them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains, that thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth.
And tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
And I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
And you're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead.
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
Well I've dropped out,
I've burned up,
I'm on my way back from the dead
Remembered the things that you said.
Photo by Robby Sucipto
Last night was Moomba fest, and even though I tell my friends that the fireworks aren't special, I can't help but feel that if you were there with me, it'd be all that different.
I'd be the biggest fan of your life.
Traveller fell apart at 1:36 PM
March 11, 2005
Of Mice And Women
Put it down to Aussie inefficiency that I've been unable to come online for the past three weeks. It's disconcerting really, when it takes 7 working days to connect a simple phone line and another 7 working days to get an order for ADSL processed. Makes you wonder how things in this country actually get done, do you? I know, I know, I'm being harsh. They take things easy, they like to live a stress-free life Down Under. But seriously, hailing from 'busy-bee' Singapore, their lethargy is something you cannot live with. Anyhow, it's all been settled, and here I am blogging away in my new house.
Things have been hectic since I touched down, what with having to shop for furniture for my new room. Thankfully, by the time I got back, the household amenities were more or less settled by capable housemate, Chung Wei. I've found that the new neighbourhood is pretty much a quiet and peaceful one. Slow jogs around it raise no alarm bells to danger, street lights are pretty decent and to top it off, most of the people I know are actually just one or two streets down from my place.
I've been thinking about certain issues, about friendship and romance ; how the two don't exactly mix. See, the problem is, when a guy and a girl get too close as friends, its inevitable that one of them begins to have feelings for the other. How do you approach a situation like that then? Do you confess to those feelings and run the risk of awkwardness everytime you meet? Or do you hide it silently in the throes of your heart hoping that somehow it goes away by itself? I'm in a dilemma and it's a dilemma I'd much rather not have. It's something which hits right home and leaves me vulnerable, and vulnerability is an emotion I'd rather not possess.
When it comes to the crunch, I think I've pretty much come to a resolution. It's unlikely that I'll ever get married, and here's why. When it comes to women, I've always had a penchant for good looks and great characters. Even if I met the nicest woman in the world, it still wouldn't be enough to tip my scales if she wasn't pleasant looking enough for me. So here's the thing. I have high taste in terms of how I define pleasant looking. What I define as pleasant looking is defined as gorgeous for the majority. But yet, I admit that I'm not such a fine specimen of the male species myself. So then, if women that I want are unlikely to consider me, that leaves me no choice but to settle for second best, right? Wrong. Because if you settle for something you deem second best in your heart, you're going to be unhappy. Maybe not for the first 10 years, but ultimately, that feeling is going to rear its ugly head. And when it does, there will be hell to pay. So if I'm unwilling to short-change myself by settling for second best, and the women I deem suitable are unlikely to choose me, that pretty much leaves me....alone.
But somehow, I feel that loneliness is how I'd rather feel, than settling for second best.
"Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me. Till then...I walk alone."
Traveller fell apart at 3:11 PM