July 28, 2006
What's Left Of Me
Watched my life pass me by in the rearview mirror.
Pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer.
I don't wanna waste another day, stuck in the shadow of my mistakes.
'Cause I want you, and I feel you crawling underneath my skin.
Like a hunger, like a burning, to find a place I've never been.
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded. I'm half the man I thought I would be.
But you can have what's left of me.
I've been dying inside little by little.
Nowhere to go I'm going out of my mind.
An endless circle running from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still.
And I want you, and I feel you crawling underneath my skin.
Like a hunger, like a burning, to find the place I've never been.
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded. I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have what's left of me.
Fallin' faster, barely breathing
Give me something to believe in.
Tell me it's not all in my head.
Take what's left of this man.
Make me whole once again.
I've been dying inside you see.
I'm going out of my mind.
I'm just running in circles all the time.
Will you take what's left of me?
No one will, because I'm damaged goods emotionally.
Traveller fell apart at 12:54 AM
July 25, 2006
It's a new semester, new beginning for some, old suffering for others. It's strange though, to find out that people all around you are slowly getting attached when deep down you feel all fragmented inside. Perhaps it's the sheer loneliness of being in a foreign land, perhaps it's just the basic human drive for companionship, but the amount of friends getting into relationships is somewhat beginning to shock me.
And it's situations like these which leave me to ponder over the exact reasons for this fiasco. Why do people really get attached? Often when asked, the people in mention manage to utter a one or two word reply, and often it comes after long pauses to think. Is it really that hard to think of a reason? After all, this person you're together with supposedly becomes the person you're most likely to marry, well at least that's what you'll say for the 2-3 years the relationship lasts? But it puzzles me really, when people hesitate in giving their answers and even more puzzling, some of the answers they give.
"But, but, I'm in love!" Sure. You are! After barely knowing the person for over a month, you haphazardly decide to get attached to a person you've never known before April started, and suddenly you decide you're in love. Being in love means accepting every bad habit, horrid character trait that the person throws at you. After knowing the person for barely a month, can you honestly say you've explored their inner self thoroughly? And yet, people claim they're in love after a month. What a bunch of crap. "Because he treats me very well...and I feel very secure with him." That's understandable, girls want security and guys want companionship. It's how we were made, it's how we'll function.....if allowing our emotions to go unchecked. So if I have a best friend and we hang out alot together, does it mean we should get together for the companionship? Pfft. Give me a break.
People nowadays fail to exercise responsibility when getting into relationships and perhaps the only result of these failed relationships are the growing number of scarred and jaded people. And with that growing number, they in turn affect the relationships they get into and it becomes one whole vicious cycle. Yeah, perhaps when you get attached you should accept the past of that person. But inevitably, what's happened to you in the past is going to affect your perception of future relationships. The shit's got to land somewhere, you know.
So please people, exercise responsibility, don't just hold hands with the next Jack or Jill who comes tumbling down the hill.
Show me what it's like to be the last one standing, and teach me wrong from right.
Traveller fell apart at 7:56 PM
July 08, 2006
It is evening as the great wooden doors of the church open for a Sunday service. Even as I step into the auditorium, I am taken aback at the sheer multitude who have gathered to give praise to the eternal Sovereign. But it is not the numbers which amaze me, rather the atmosphere inside and the stirring within my soul that the Holy Spirit is present. The physiological reactions some experience when entering church services have been put down to fear and anxious reactions towards unfamiliar situations, but can a scientific explanation truly do justice to the stirrings of the human soul? I refuse to accept that explanation, that all I am feeling whilst singing and praising are just products of this material world, this empirically-based reality we have been taught to believe.
That feeling like something within me is yearning to cleave from my flesh, that burning sensation in my heart and that Presence in the room which leaves me on bended knee by the end of service, can they all be truly explained away? There is a point where truth cannot be denied, where reality must be acknowledged, no matter how ludicruous it might be according to modern 'scientific' standards. God does exist, and yet the debate will forever rage on on His existence. Atheists will uncover evidence to the contrary, and biblical scholars will attempt to defend God's existence. And yet, I feel the answer doesn't lie within our minds as we attempt to come up with logical and rational reasons to support or disprove His presence.
It lies within our hearts, because there is a part of it that yearns to be with God. It's just the way humans were created, we were all formed to enjoy eternal union and fellowship with God and somehow, someway, I'm sure that the apostles who died in His name understood that. No amount of arguing or debating was ever going to make the pre-believers see it their way and perhaps, the only way they would be able to prove their belief in His love was to die for Him, just the way He died for us. I don't think I will ever be able to refute everyone who ever scoffs at God in front of me, I will definitely try, but I acknowledge my weaknesses and accept that my knowledge is limited. But I know in my heart that God loves humanity, it's quite an obvious truth, one so often taken for granted and yet so widely preached.
The answer then, lies not within our finite human minds, but within our infinite, intangible soul.
You are a God of miracles, truly You are. Faith.
Traveller fell apart at 10:19 PM
July 07, 2006
Yes, I will. Even though the world may fall down around me, even if every surrounding pillar of support crumble to the ground and decimate my hopes for life. The tides of adversity may be shoring up every last crevice which the rays of sunlight creep through, but in all these I must acknowledge His sovereignty over the situation. In hardship, there must be a silent compliance with the existing order which has been set out since the beginning of time. This is something we as mankind fail to realise, that there is so much more out there than our personal lives, that we are but part of a greater picture which has been set in motion since the beginning of Creation.
Too many times we may have witnessed difficult circumstances befalling someone which results in their loss of faith or even anger towards God. It's easy, in dark times, to place the blame squarely on His shoulders, to ask why an omniscient, omnipotent being would allow tragedy to occur on His children. God Himself is a difficult concept to grasp, many fail to understand who He really is, how He works and whether He even exists. The Problem of Evil debate, so often labelled as a sticky point and forming the crux of an atheist attack on the fundamentals of Christianity; it's been playing on my mind alot for the past few days. Why did God allow such a thing? What are His plans for me in the future?
Ashamedly, I've only thought about God so much in times of adversity, and surrendered my will to Him in these circumstances. I've only fasted and prayed this much when I've been worried about my future prospects, about whether I'm going to be able to make ends meet after I graduate. But I think no matter what, God protects His children and somehow, someway, there will be a path carved out for me in this increasingly unforgiving world. I know that in my heart and I believe it.
Because for the first time in a long while, I have faith.
I have faith in Your miracles.
Traveller fell apart at 3:35 PM