June 29, 2006

Restoring Calm

Bitterness can do strange things to human reasoning, including distorting a perfectly sound view of it. Melancholy can also cloud judgement, bringing dark clouds to bear over perfectly fine skies. In a sense, perhaps that's what's been happening recently with regards to me and you. I know I said I'd stay calm, I'd move on and I'd continue living life, but the truth is...everything I've said over the past month has been out of spite and disgust.

I may be able to deny what you've done for me as a facade, but I can never deny that look I saw in your eyes when you told me you loved me. That was something anyone would be hard pressed to fake and I refuse to doubt its authenticity. I may be able to deny everything you've told me about your feelings for me, but I can never deny every single time you've looked out for my best interests, taken care of me and shared your dreams with me. Those were moments which cannot be dismissed as fabrication.

It may seem like I'm going back on everything I've posted for the past month or so, but I don't really think that's the case. I believe that you loved me, and that it was for real but deep down I know that it is really time to move on. I don't want to hold you back or anything, to make you think like you owe me anything to move. Time will be a judge of all of that, I am merely playing along to its fine tune. Time will go on its eternal journey, bringing new experiences and memories to the forefront of our conscious mind. Time will bring forth new people, new friends perhaps even new relationships? But the thing about time is that its paths are seldom erased and stay forever in the sands of time within our mind.

And that bit of Time we shared is what keeps me going everyday, fulfilling expectations and accomplishing the impossible.

"Can you see the sun tomorrow, beyond those dark clouds and rainy skies...We all search for a brighter tomorrow but find ourselves ploughing on today."

Traveller fell apart at 12:58 AM

June 21, 2006

I Don't, Do I?

Elton John - I Want Love

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't bring me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love.

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't bring me down
Won't break me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

The ironic thing about this song? The love he's talking about doesn't exist. So in essence, he's saying that he does NOT want love.

P.S. I am NOT turning gay.

Traveller fell apart at 1:05 PM

June 12, 2006

A Familiar Tale

It was almost evening now and the night would soon return, bringing with it the pain and suffering. He glanced at the now setting sun and began to wonder how many more nights of anguish and insanity his body would permit. His beloved wife and his children were now just a distant memory, lost in the torrents of loss he felt each time he thought about his life before the convulsions had started. Prior attempts to bind him hand and foot had been unsuccessful, and the looks of horror and fear he got from the villagers cut deep into his heart. There was once when he had been the toast of the town, enjoying familial bliss and looking forward to each day as it came. That was until the 'incident', where hence on he began to experience periods of "black-out" followed by an awakening to the carnage he had caused in his trance-like state. He knew he was different now, that there were voices in his mind taunting and whispering to him; the torment was immense and yet all he could do was wail and shriek into the depths of the night.

Death could not come swiftly enough and yet, he knew that he would want to see Dan and Asher once more before his life was over. A conundrum of the greater good he often went through, and perhaps now the time had come. A boat had docked by the gravestones he so often cut himself with and there were a group of men disembarking now, whispering and murmurring so incessant it drowned out even the voices which whispered continually to him. They were here to kill him, to be done with the village disgrace and to dump his body into the Gerasene lake. It was time. He scampered away frantically, desperate to avoid running into them and ending his hopes of seeing his children again. It was then that a voice called out to him authoritatively and yet so gently. "Come out of this man, you evil spirit!" He was inexplicably compelled to turn around, to face the man who had called out. And yet, when he caught sight of this man, he felt a peace and comfort so deep in his soul he had never experienced before.

"What is your name?" the man quizzed. He attempted to answer and yet he felt the hot stirrings within his soul desperately trying to escape, it was a feeling he could hardly describe and yet, it felt so uncomfortable. It was only so much his body could take. He blacked out on the spot.

His eyes opened to the morning sun and the birds chirruping away in their nests. For the first time in many years, his senses were working and he could truly feel the life in the world around him. The smell of morning dew, the light warmth the rays of the sun provided and the feeling of joy in his heart he could not explain. As he stirred, he found that a large crowd had now gathered where he had been lying and looks of shock and disbelief were on their faces. Then he saw the man, the one who had spoken the words and freed him from his prison. He'd wanted so much to thank this man, to express his gratitude and to bow before him. But somehow, the look in this man's eyes, so kind and filled with love told him that he already knew the gratitude in his heart. "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you," commanded the man. And at once, he knew at that point, that this man was different, he was special.

Because for once, peace and love emanated from his soul, pervading the barbed and cynical attitudes the villagers held about his healing.

Because for once, he felt free from bondage and compelled to proclaim the Truth. - Mark 5:1-20

All of my hope is in You.

Traveller fell apart at 4:42 PM

June 06, 2006

Deleted, Depleted.

The realization certainly hit me hard, the fact knowing that you've effectively shut me out from your life. It's in no way pertinent that I'd planned on us getting back together or anything but the minimum of a platonic friendship you've seemed to turn your back on. Knowing that you deleted me from your MSN list today shocked me, because I actually logged onto that MSN Deleter website to check who I hadn't been talking to alot and was planning to delete them. But seeing your name there on that list, it was a betrayal. Betrayal of everything we stood for as I stared at the screen blankly for that few moments.

I'm disappointed, not sad not depressed, but disappointed. After everything we've been through, the road trips we took, the things we did and the good times, you're willing to turn your back on even a semblance of friendship. I would be fine if you'd been blocking me, but knowing that you've deleted me shows your intent on not ever re-establishing contact. Does it have to go so deep? Do I mean nothing to you now? Not even as a friend? As I told you, the decision to even stop contact was made by you, I'm really neutral. I'm fine with being friends but it seems that it's not fine with you. So then, fine. Perhaps we really ought not to keep in contact for the forseeable future. But just remember, I'm perfectly open to re-establishing friendship whenever you're ready. Because it's always been my policy not to stop contact with my exes. But before I end this post, I'd just like to ask one very perplexing question.

Why didn't you delete him when you broke up with him? Funny eh. I find it puzzling.

"When the night falls in around me, and I don't think I'll make it through. I'll use Your light to guide my way."

Traveller fell apart at 5:38 PM

June 04, 2006

Somewhere In The Middle

It's June, and as I've always said, time really flies. Funny how we always complain about time crawling at a snail's pace when we least want it to, then once we're out of that little predicament we find ourselves in, it seems to then whizz by in a flash. The memories of me returning on that flight with Rongyao in February still seem fresh in the mind, my ensuing struggle with my inner soul on affairs of the heart and finally, this limbo I seem to find myself in.

Make no mistake, it's limbo I'm currently finding myself stuck in. It's a weird kind of state between acceptance and moving on. Hard to describe and any adjective I can muster up doesn't seem to do justice to it. So I shall leave it at just that: limbo. Whatever the case, I'm really fine. Don't get me wrong. I'm not having a relapse of emotional breakdown or anything. It's really just that....limbo.

In time, this limbo will probably give way. It will, there's no doubt about that. But it's in times like these you find that slowly but surely, the limbo becomes part of you and when it does eventually subside, you find your inner self incomplete once again. Anyhow, it's still 5 months to go before I'm home again for the summer and 4 months since I left Singapore with a heavy heart. Emotionally, physically, I'm just caught in the middle.

"Did you think for a second I would not realise? Tripping hard, falling down onto the ground. 'Cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down. 'Cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this...

Traveller fell apart at 2:48 AM

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