Melancholic Derivations

October 28, 2004

Cultivating Community

So the paper went pretty well and my spotting of questions paid off. When I walked into Caulfield race course to take the examinations, I could hardly believe my eyes. The questions on the paper were exactly those I had studied for and the pen just furiously scribbled away whilst in the back of mind, I was thanking God for his mercy. I ended up walking out of the examination hall in high spirits, thankful that I'd managed to answer all the questions to the best of my abilities and later as I found out, pretty well too.

I was having a discussion with a feminist friend of mine about feminism and whether it is a good thing. I think that the entire concept about feminism has been gauged wrongly by women across the world. They see it as a form of empowerment and emancipation. I see it as merely a reaction to a wrongdoing. For centuries, men have treated women as commodities and goods, to be exchanged or taken for granted. Feminism is simply a reaction to years of oppression and brutality from men. It's like trading a punch for a punch only in this case, the females believe that by empowering themselves and standing up to their husbands and fathers do they find freedom.

But do they? What has feminism done for human civilisation? Only served to drive families apart and wedges in between husbands and wives. Has it really brought about freedom for women? Are women truly free when they have careers and money all at their fingertips? Please do not mistake me. I am not a male chauvinist. I believe that it is alright for women to have jobs and to hold high appointments in companies. Men and women are equal, that is something which I strongly believe. But yet, in a family, the Bible teaches us that the man's authority is absolute. "Wives, submit to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives." It is a complementary relationship where the husbands are entrusted to make the right and loving decisions for their wives and their wives must abide by what their husband has decided. Feminism has undermined this teaching. It tells women that they have all the power they need in their hands and all they have to do is to stand up to their husbands. Strife and conflict are created through these issues and tension builds up within the family.

Women of today are taught that having a career and being financially independent are a good way to live life. True, granted, this might be what some women want. But where does this leave time for their family and children? Men and women are equal as human beings, that is a fact. But it is also a fact that a husband's authority in the family must be absolute and not be allowed to be undermined. Feminism is a curse on the human race that we have brought upon ourselves due to our oppression of women over the centuries. The only way? Men and women must learn to love and respect each other. Husbands must love their wives. Wives must respect their husband's authority. These are the grounds for more stable social and familial relationships.

Ok, think I should close this post because I feel like I'm in the middle of a crosshair. The feminists are probably plotting to blow my room up as we speak. But before I go, I leave this song here as a prayer and a plea, for God to sustain me through this examination period and not to let my faith waver despite the busy schedule.

Michael W. Smith - Lord Have Mercy

Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief
Renew the fire again

Chorus
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

I have built an altar where I worship things of men
I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from You
Now I am returning to Your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions
Help me love You again

I have longed to know You & Your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before You in the goodness of Your presence
Your grace forever shining
Like a beacon in the night

I pray for strength.

Traveller fell apart at 9:49 PM

October 25, 2004

Formed For God's Family

So today it begins. The start of the examination period and the end of my first semester in Monash. Some people call it D-Day, some people call it their worst nightmare. Me? I prefer to see it as a step along the road to my bachelor's degree. It's strange really, to think that just a blink of an eye ago I had just arrived in cold and wet Melbourne, staring out the window my room and thinking, what have I gotten myself into? It's true then, time and tide wait for no man. It just seems like this new semester has passed so quickly that I've scarcely had the time to breathe and take it all in. Yesterday night, the feeling overwhelmed me for abit. I suddenly felt constricted and afraid, uncertainty being the key order of the night for me.

What do you do then? You pray. You seek God's presence and sought after His care. And I found it. Thank you God.

Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain.
Like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away.

But, I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But, I know it's amazing, You save me
My time is coming
I'll find my way out of this longest drought

And it feels like today, I know
It feels like today, I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missing
The one thing I'm wishing, life's sacred blessing and then
It feels like today, feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But it's not a moment that's frozen in time
It's not gonna wait
Till you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's your heartache
Soon this dam will break

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

It's the one thing that's missing
The one thing I'm wishing
Life's sacred blessing and then
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

Definitely how I feel now. So blessed.

Traveller fell apart at 1:24 PM

October 23, 2004

Worship That Pleases God

Sometimes words cannot describe the things most precious and dear to your heart. "A picture paints a thousand words but how can I paint you?"

Actions speak louder than words in most cases, but when it comes to that special person, actions never seem appropriate for any moment. We always seem to stumble for words in front of them.

The greatest feeling in loving someone is waking up with them next to you in the morning or just having a chat with them in bed all night long.

Everyday is a new experience. Everyday something is given and taken and it's all up to God what He decides to give and take. The key is to be thankful and to live for the present.

Nothing seems ridiculous anymore when you're in love, not even staying up the entire night to catch a falling star and wishing on it. Because if the wish comes true, you know it was worth every waking minute.

Prayer is a beautiful gift from God and when His presence is near, we can really bask in it and just detach ourselves from the problems of our life and this fallen world.

A hug is always good. From friends, family but even more so if it's that someone special because a hug or even a kind gesture from them is so relieving.

When you find that sparkle in someone's eyes, you find that it is the most amazing thing that you will ever see. More than mountains, rivers and lakes. Even more beautiful than life itself. Because it's then that you know you're in love.

Time never stops. That is a facet of life we cannot change. And yet, do remember that in our memory we store a piece of time which will remain embedded forever. So next time you wish time would stop, remember that it already has. Deep in your field of memories, it has.

Love is a strange thing. It can cause hurt from a variety of angles and yet, we still crave it. Loving someone is always difficult, but when we entrust our choices to God, it becomes so much simpler and less painful.

Maybe this is an appropriate song for the moment.

Shawn Colvin - When You Know

When you know, that you know
Who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up
Or pretend that you dont buy it.
When its clear this time, you've found the one
You never let him go.
'Cause you know, and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin, in your bones
And the hollows of your heart.
There's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it
Once you come this close.
'Cause you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love's around you
Like the sky round the moon
This is how love has found you
Now you know what to do

When you know that you know
Who you need you cant deny it
Or go back, or give up
Or pretend that you dont buy it.
When its clear this time you've found the one
You never let him go.
'Cause you know, and you know that you know

And it's time you come in from the cold.
And you know that you know.

Traveller fell apart at 1:13 PM

October 20, 2004

What Makes God Smile?

Something really strange happened to me today. As I was in the lift going to hand up my Psychology assignments, a Caucasian couple got on and started making out right in front of me. And by making out, I don't mean just kissing. There were hands flailing and groping and, yeah, you get the idea. To say that I felt really uncomfortable is an understatement. My first instinct, strangely, was to look around the lift for hidden cameras. For some reason, I believed that this was part of a gag on "Just Kidding", the gag show in Australia. After scouring the entire lift for signs of a planted camera, I began looking frantically at the numbers on top of the door, like some punter on Saturday looking out for the winning number. I couldn't wait to get out of that situation and thankfully, the lift didn't take its own sweet time.

I've been asked to consider writing a piece of poetry by a friend and although I initially spurned the idea, I feel like I'm ready right now. So here goes.

Yesterday

Yesterday, when I looked deep into your eyes
Calm demeanour hid a screaming interior.
Yesterday, you committed a heist.
Stealing my heart, my mind and my attention.
Yesterday, I told myself a lie.
That I could close my eyes, shut my ears and forget you.
Yesterday, you let off a sigh.
And I wished at once that I could do more.
Yesterday, I made a mistake.
I failed to stop myself from falling.
And for yesterday, I hate myself.

Thanks Yan.

P.S. If anyone has $100 to spare, could you please contact me? I am desperate to go to Jay Zhou's concert but I have no cash. Alms for the poor!

Traveller fell apart at 7:32 PM

October 18, 2004

Planned For God's Pleasure

I am in a pensive state. It's not just about the exams really, although they do play a major part in the culmination of my current state. I'm scouring through past year papers and practicing MCQ questions all in the quest to secure 30-40% of my marks for the entire semester. The good thing about exams in Monash is that they aren't the "be-all-and-end-all" of your entire semester's work. Over here, things are separated into essays and assignments across the semester and finally, the exams at the end of the year. Works out better if you ask me, at least it ensures that students continue to work hard across the semester without just slacking off during the year and then mugging hard for the final paper.

But the exams aren't the reason for my pensive state. I could barely sleep last night as I tossed and turned in bed thinking about life. Many thoughts passed through my mind at that point in time and I would love to have the ability to jot them down as they came to me but unfortunately, they disappeared into the back of my sub-conscious perhaps never to be unearthed again. I got off my bed and decided to surf the net for abit when I came across this song which meant so much to me on that sleepless night. I felt uplifted and relieved by it. It's strange really, that music can do so much more than provide entertainment for us. Music ministers to us, music lifts our spirits, music complements our visual outlook on things, music is versatile. Have you ever been jilted and cheated by your partner and decided to turn on the radio and suddenly realise "Hey, this song is my story." It's happened to me many times, undoubtedly, and to be honest, it freaks me out how music can sometimes adequately describe my situation at that point in time.

Music speaks to me, subliminally, subconsciously and often, it provides more than just an ambience. I've come to a conclusion. Music is a part of my life that can never be missing. Without music, life loses most of its meaning. For me at least.

Colin Hay - Overkill

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

You can't be in too deep, Joel. The implications are too steep . The complications...too hard to handle. But can I? Can I force this on myself?

Traveller fell apart at 10:39 PM

October 16, 2004

The Reason For Everything

"That's Enough." Watch the movie "Love Actually" and you will know what I meant by that remark. After all, it was my favourite story in the movie.

Does loving someone entitle you to their love? I think not. After all, why have terms like 'unrequited love' if the situation doesn't exist? Loving someone merely means that you love them for who they are, what they've done and how they behave. Loving someone means you just love the way that they flick their hair, lope as they walk or even pick their nose. Loving someone doesn't bring you their love in return, it merely brings yours to them. You don't possess someone if you love them, you merely own a piece of them in your heart. See, the thing is, you don't love someone for an explicable reason, you just.....do. So the next time you manage to do something for the one you love, no matter what the circumstance, be happy when you see that glow on their face and the joy it brings them and tell yourself "That's Enough."

As for me, that's enough...for now.

I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really there at all.
And I want to get free, talk to me.
I can feel you fallin'
Wanted to be, all you need
Somehow here is gone.

Traveller fell apart at 11:13 PM

October 15, 2004

The emotional bullet ripped through Paul's ribcage, cutting the sinews of his heart bit by bit and bursting it open. He could feel it coming and yet, it seemed inevitable to stop. He reeled back a few steps and grabbed hold of a chair to stop himself from buckling. The pain began searing through his body, cutting off all sensations from his shoulder down in the process. He cried in pain, but not just in agony. In his fear and delirium, he prayed. He asked for God to take the pain away from his bleeding heart but there was no answer. He questioned God for putting him in such a situation and yet, God did not want to answer. The pain grew even more intense and it became humanly impossible to prevent himself from passing out.

And he did. Without hope, without relief, without closure.

It's a test, isn't it? Father Lord, show me why.

If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off.
If I get too tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk.
If I need some other love within, give me more than I can stand.
When my smile gets old and faded, wait around I'll smile again.
Can you help me? I'm bent.
I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together.
I started out clean, but I'm jaded.

Traveller fell apart at 1:09 PM

Seeing Life Through God's View

I got a glimpse into the future today and I only have God to thank. Whilst on my way to Menzies' Building for my Political Science tutorial, a group of graduates donning their gowns and mortarboards gaily sauntered past me. The image immediately flashed through my mind ; in three years time, I'd want to be at the same place as they were. I'd want to be graduating in all splendour and I'd want my family and friends to be here to witness me in my hour of minute glory. I remember my teacher in college telling us that in order to succeed, we must "begin with the end in mind". So this is the end I want, I now have something to envision as my end. The focused energies slowly seep into my psyche, bringing with them renewed vigour and energy to deploy over this stressful exam period.

Of course, reliance on self is a fallacy I have discovered through these adolescent years. And it is in my post-adolescent years that I pray I will never walk into that quagmire again. I want to dedicate the exams and all my worries for them into the Lord's hands and yet, as humans we find ourselves unable to let go of what we deem as our personal business. I need to let go and yet, it is just so hard to commit my future and fate into the hands of an entity I can't see. But with sight does not come faith and of course I know and believe that God exists. Who wouldn't? After all the great things He has done for me, after learning about the many complications of our human brain, after witnessing how He changes lives how can I stand by and deny Him?

But it's more than just in studies. I know that somewhere down the road, I'd want to entrust to Him my relationships, my family, my job and most importantly, my fate in eternity. Yes, that's the most important thing. To know that God has reserved a special place for me in Heaven for all eternity. Nothing else quite matters if that special place doesn't exist. I think the fundamental question for all of us is "If you died today, how sure are you that you would end up in Heaven?" Food for thought, even though I know we have much to think about during this period. So let me just put it aptly with a song.

Jars Of Clay - I Need You

Strangely out of place
There is a light filling this room where
None would follow before
I can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me away

I need You, I need You, I need You
I need You, I need You, I need You
You're all I'm living for

I might sound like a fool
But I think I felt You moving closer to me

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up
I can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Only have a second to spare but
All the time in the world to know You're there
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away.

In this hour of need, Lord, do bless us all with the wisdom and calm demeanour in the exams itself. Do also grant us renewal every single night in Your presence as we pursue our studies through the day. Thank You.

Traveller fell apart at 1:49 AM

October 13, 2004

What Drives Your Life?

The 960 grinded to a halt on the corner of Westfall Avenue like it always did. A lone figure stood in the rain, unflinching, seemingly unaware of the rain beating down on his coat. As the bus pulled into the bay, he gave the scene behind one long, hard glance. "Hey buddy, you getting onto this bus?" No response. Seemingly caught in a dilemma, the bus driver decided to close the doors for fear of being late for his next stop. "Wait." The figure shoved his umbrella between the doors just as they were closing. Gingerly, the figure made his way up the steps before tossing a $20-note into the bus driver's lap. "Keep the change."

For Carl, this was it. He was sure this was where he wanted to go. Far, far away where the sorrow and disappointment would never catch up with him. The bus down south and he'd get off at the last stop, far away from the people he ever knew, far away from the people who had betrayed him. He made his way unsteadily to the back of the bus before slamming his bag into the seat, momentarily caught by the change in momentum of the bus. Propping his head against the window and looking out dreamily, he prepared for the long trip ahead.

Flashes of his life began to manifest themselves in his head. The troubled childhood, the rebellion and subsequent hatred of his father, the shotgun marriage he had been forced into, the backstabbing colleague who ended up sleeping with his wife, it all hit him like a ton of bricks. Breaking down was not a solution and yet, it was the only thing he could do. He needed to find solace, respite, somehow, somewhere. He needed closure.

The next few hours were spent aimlessly, Carl looked out the window without focus and drive, as if in a catatonic state. "Last stop! Bloomingdale Avenue!" Bloomingdale Avenue? This was... No. He'd taken the bus down south, how did it end up... "You wanted closure, right? Well, this is your chance Carl. Close those wounds, make everything alright again. Starting from here, the beginning of your life." A man in a dark trenchcoat slouched in the seat in front of him turned around and spoke to him. "How did you know my name?" Carl was shocked. "Let's just say, we heard your silent prayer in the back of the bus and we decided to give you a helping hand. Oh, by the way, my name's Gabriel," said the man as he stood up to get off the bus.

"Peaceful, isn't it? Now go on. Gain closure," urged Gabriel. Carl gingerly stepped towards the grassy lawn which he had spent a huge part of his childhood on. This house. This place. It felt so good at one time, now it was all gone. Or was it? A silent tap on the door brought an elderly lady to the door and yet, the beautiful hazel eyes were unmistakeable. Mom. A stranger to him for the past 20 years and yet so familiar to him at that point. "I love you Mom," managed Carl before he broke down. "Jean, who is that? We..." John stopped short in his sentence, not quite believing what his eyes were seeing. "Dad, even though we haven't been on the best of terms, I want to change all that. Will you let me?" John stepped cautiously towards his son before breaking down in tears. They were back once more. Back in 1987 where things were rosy and beautiful.

Carl turned to thank his mysterious friend for the friendly nudge on the bus, but all he saw in place of Gabriel was a Bible on the floor. It hit him. He needed closure, and God had given it to him.

And don't it make you sad to know
That life is more than who we are?
You can hide beside me, maybe for awhile.
And I won't tell no one your name.
I won't tell 'em your name.

Traveller fell apart at 11:23 AM

October 11, 2004

It All Starts With God

Summer is upon us! Temperatures today soared to 30 degrees and for abit, it almost felt as if I was back home in Singapore. Out came the bermudas, slippers and t-shirts as I prepared to go to University and all of a sudden, I realised that I haven't ever been to school in bermudas and a t-shirt. Call it belated elation at my liberation from the Singaporean education system if you will, but for once not wearing uniform and being able to dress casually to my school caused some joy.

Hope Church started the 40 days of Purpose campaign yesterday and Pastor Ian's message was great. For those of you wondering what the 40 days is about, it's a 40 day sequence of reading a book, praying and devoting your time to God in order for Him to reveal your true purpose in life. Gotta admit though, I won't be in Melbourne till the end of the campaign and I guess I'll just have to continue with it on the flight back and for a few days back home.

Which brings me to the topic. It's approximately a month to go before I embark on SQ 228 for my flight back to Singapore. In the flash of an eye, it's been 4 months. I've made great new friends, found a new church to support and be supported by and most importantly, found my way back to God. It's been the most productive 4 months in the past 5 years of my life if you ask me, and that says alot. But I have to admit, I'm having mixed feelings about returning home. For one, I'll still have to study as I have just signed up for a Summer Semester in TMC in order to catch up with the people who came over here in February. For another reason, I haven't quite made up my mind about which church to attend when I'm back home. This really requires some prayer.

Jane's got back to me. Apparently they won't have vacancies till second quarter of 2005 which means I potentially might have a job during the winter break next year! The HR Manager promised to file my enquiry and urged me to get in contact with them again later next year. Which works out just as well since I'll most probably be too busy doing my Summer Semester to work effectively this summer holidays. Maybe a job in SANS bookstore will do just fine. Just me, the quiet bookshelves and little or no customers to bother me. Excellent.

I can feel the blood rushing through my veins
When I hear your voice, driving me insane
Hour after hour day after day
Every lonely night that I sit and pray

Traveller fell apart at 5:19 PM

October 09, 2004

There was once a boy, whom as a six-year-old child put his trust in the Lord Jesus. That same boy grew up having a good church-going family and strong encouragement from his parents. That same boy grew up listening to bible stories and the virtues which Jesus preached to the multitudes in 20 A.D. That same boy reached adolescence.

Adolescence was never going to be easy. It was a time in life where change and identity where crucial and centerpiece to his pride. He was soon caught up in the ways of the world despite everything he underwent as a child. He went after girls for the wrong reasons, he lied to his parents, he cheated on some tests, he backstabbed his friends to get higher and most importantly, he left God behind in his life.

That boy grew increasingly spiteful and angsty. He was sure that Christianity was for the weak and helpless. Delving into various schools of men's wisdom didn't help matters. They only served to make him worldly-wise, proud and mysoginistic. He saw the world as a big cauldron of hate and apathy which would only be fuelled on by further apathy and hate. Despite all his sinful ways, God waited by the wayside, always hoping that someday, he'd return as His child.

The loss of his father came as a shock which he found too hard to handle. Suddenly, that cauldron of hate which he had always envisioned seemed to have spilled over into his life, drowning his thoughts and emotions. In this seeming darkness, he turned to darkness and endeavoured further through sin and self-destruction. He committed various acts which would have shamed both his earthly and Heavenly Father. And yet, still, God waited by the wayside, always hoping that someday, he'd return as His child.

The boy, now a young gentleman, picked up a copy of the "Devil's Apocrypha" one day, and began reading and sympathizing with his Heavenly Father's enemy. He adopted the attitudes and practices which lay behind the seeming "wisdom" of the book. He condemned the Bible and everything it stood for. He attacked and humiliated Christians whom God had sent to fight for him. He indulged in self-praise and self-love. And yet, still, God waited by the wayside, always hoping that someday, he'd return as His child.

That young gentleman soon found that his past sins had caught up with him. They were in a way, the reason for his compulsion to leave. The ensuing change brought about much resentment and uncertainty within him and he resolved to shut the door on all emotions and friendships. But something changed this time. God moved, and sent him companionship and fellowship. God moved, and sent him a sheperd to guide and protect him from the ways of the world. God moved, and touched his heart so deep that he could no longer deny or blaspheme against God. And yet, despite acknowledging God, this young adult still struggles with his past worldly ways. And yet, still, God waits by the wayside, always hoping someday, he'd return as His child.

That young man stands here today, amazed at his Heavenly Father's love and patience. That young man stands here today, shocked on hindsight at what he had accomplished during his time as an adolescent. However, that young man stands here today, determined never to stray from his Heavenly Father ever again. That young man wants God to take his world apart.

Jars Of Clay - Worlds Apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I float too high
And like Icarus, I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

(To love you) Take my world apart
(To need you) I am on my knees
(To love you) Take my world apart
(To need you) Broken on my knees

Said and done, I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe, are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
Battles between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart, make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
Wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart
Halleluia

Lord, thank you for never giving up on me. Take my world apart, change me. Amen.

Traveller fell apart at 2:55 AM

October 05, 2004

I just realised that despite having their heavy metal, bad-boy image, Staind actually writes some really good songs. Luck would have it that I would be scrolling through someone else's music collection when I came across his collection of Staind. "Epiphany", "Fade", "So Far Away" are just some of the excellent titles which Staind boasts but the one which resonated heavily within me was "Outside". My fingers trembled as the last sinews of guitar play trailed off into silence and I reached for the repeat button.

I knew it. This song characterised some bad memories I had of the past. I'm not blaming anyone, nor am I accusing or lamenting my fate. I just... This is getting hard to even type as my fingers seem to have gained a life of their own. As I listened to the song, horrid nightmarish scenes of my life flashed before my eyes as the arteries in the whites began to bulge and swell. Yes, I nearly cried. I nearly passed out from the pain. It is a pain which I carry and continue to soldier on with despite the increasing difficulty. It is a pain I sling upon my shoulder which grips onto me with claw-like talons, sinking deep into my flesh of emotions. It is a pain which has come to taste sweet after it has numbed my sensation to pain. I am a freak of nature surely. Someone who loves misery and covets melancholy. Someone who despises happiness and attacks joy. Oh, I want to change. And only He can do that. So I'm praying an earnest prayer tonight. Change me, Lord.

Staind - Outside

And you,
You bring me to my knees, again,
All the times
That I could beg you please, in vain,
All the times
That I felt insecure, for you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

Chorus:
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times that I felt like this won't end
Its for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I've cried
My intentions, full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone

Chorus:
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain
I stuffed it down, it's back again
And I lie, here in bed
All alone, I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be ok

Chorus:
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

I'm on the outside. Indeed I am.

Traveller fell apart at 11:13 PM

October 04, 2004

I still struggle with it daily. Despite having turned to God sometime ago, the feelings still hit me constantly. The melancholy sets in deep into those cold and dreary nights and the sword of despair drives itself into the heart of my emotions, twisting and turning before leaving me in a desolate heap. I can't quite explain why I feel the way I do. The only assurance I can give is that I am not crazy, neither am I suffering from any psychological problems. Hell, I should be able to tell right. After all, I am learning about mood disorders and stuff like that.

I was thinking about what I was going to do when I got home. After all, it's not too early to think about that considering I only have about a month to go before I'm headed back for sunnier shores. It hit me. I should make full use of the 3 months to explore my future avenue of work. So in came Jane's. I applied for an internship in Jane's today and I am keeping my fingers crossed. With a little luck, and with God's blessings, I'll be wearing a suit and walking down Shenton Way in December. Now just the wait for the reply. That alone is going to kill me.

Traveller fell apart at 9:19 PM

October 02, 2004

20 Questions to a Better Relationship

eXpressive: 6/10 Practical: 8/10 Physical: 3/10 Giver: 4/10

You are a XPIT--Expressive Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Manager.

You are cool, thoughtful and intelligent. Your approach and your sense of humor are under-the-radar, your charm is undeniable. You keep everything under control. You have distinctive vocal mannerisms. You may not have much interest in approaching strangers, but when you do, you are successful.

You will probably end up with someone beautiful, fascinating and off-balance. While your partner may steal the limelight, it's you that keeps things running smoothly and provides stability in your relationship. If you are with someone as contemplative and hard-headed as you, you can have a tough time.

Your greatest asset is that you tackle conflict as it rises -- you don't ignore it and let it brew. If you have a partner that *does* let it brew, it will make you crazy! You can find yourself fighting for two -- trying to anticipate your partner's needs and draw their feelings out -- which is exhausting and, well, not your job.

You would never cheat. You would make an excellent spouse. When your spouse's friends met you, they would think, "Crap, why couldn't I get that one?"

Of the 116853 people who have taken this quiz, 6.1 % are this type.

Take this test too.

Traveller fell apart at 11:42 PM

October 01, 2004

The mid-semester break came and went in a glance. I had a great time at Yanting, Christian and Darren's place on Wednesday night where we had the opportunity to just pig out and enjoy great movies. Excellent time in all except when I got just a slight bit tipsy after gulping down the white wine at one shot. I think I really can't hold my liquor and it was evident that night man. Just want to take this opportunity to thank them for the great time and great food, and hey, Yan, the chocolate cake was the best I've tasted although I don't eat chocolate cakes. So I guess yours will be the one all future ones will come to be judged by.

Been getting some studying done, thankfully! Caught up with all my readings and I'm all set for the rest of the semester and the final year exams. All in all, it's been a fruitful and enjoyable mid-semester break and I just thank God for the tremendous friends he's blessed me with in Melbourne. But hey, buddies in Singapore, haven't forgotten you guys man. Can't wait to go back and go on supper nights once more!

Ivy passed me a book last night "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Highly recommended read if you ask me. It really touched on some issues and problems I had with the concept of relationships. By God's grace, I'm slowly maturing spiritually and mentally and I'm just so glad for this.

Sheesh. It's Friday and I had better finish up all my holiday homework. Later.

Traveller fell apart at 1:49 PM