December 25, 2006

Christmas Solitude

It's been sometime since the last post, most notably due to a change in schedule owing to my ongoing internship. Suffice to say, the job's been stretching me to the limit, challenging my spontaneity and resourcefulness in ways I could never have envisioned myself accomplishing. The stretching has been part and parcel of the job, and it's become part and parcel of life ideology. The idea that one can stay stagnant and unflinching now becomes a distant, discarded idea. Flexibility and energy become key to survival and success in the job, they become essential and paramount in everyday life. And with work experience, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt my CV either. The only downside to it all is coming back alone at 9pm in the evening; the long, long ride home from the CBD allows room for quiet reflection. And this inevitably invites those all-too-familiar melancholic thoughts.

This Christmas has been a quiet affair for me and the family. The itinerary of a normal Singaporean family would usually include Christmas lunch and party at night, coupled with opening of presents under the Christmas tree, lots of alcohol and plenty of camaraderie. For me, it's been a slightly more low-key affair. Content to stay home filling my evening with Love Actually on TV, it may sound like a really lonely end to Christmas Eve. But deep down I'm content, and I'm enjoying this solitude. Really, I am. Even though Christmas usually means spending time with the people you treasure most, I think in this case, I'm doing just that by staying home with my parents.

I've been inundated with contemplation and a slight apprehension of a future without a partner. But it's all good now. It does become good when you get adjusted to the idea of going through the various stages of your life with only your own emotions and feelings to take heed of. And sometimes in life, it's not just about what SHOULD happen but what DOES happen. Very often, the two don't quite match in outcome and we are left disappointed. But life's like that. Cruel, surprising and unassuming. Conversely, since life is so full of surprises, I may just end up with someone after all.

But it's really not on my priority list for now. So let's just put that thought on the backburner.

"You don't need nobody to make it on your own. You don't need nobody, you'd rather be alone."

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Traveller fell apart at 4:38 AM

December 10, 2006

Till Death Do Us Part

I've been in semi-hiatus mode from blogging, partly due to a 'comatose' state I've been in for the past few weeks but mostly due to an apparent lack of inspiration with regards to my blog content. I don't believe in just blogging about my life and what I did, simply because I don't think those things are important enough for me to actually own a webspace and to tell blog audiences about which meal I ate at McDonalds. Today though, stirred up a hornet's nest within me.

Attending a primary school classmate's wedding tonight, I found myself forced to confront issues which had been left dormant and unresolved. As the music played and the blissful couple sauntered down the parapet, I felt a sense of apprehension begin to take over me. It was as if I was trying to imagine myself sometime down the road in that exact same position, and yet, I couldn't imagine it. I've begun doubting whether marriage will occur in the near future or even at all. And you know marriage should be around the corner when a guy who used to play marbles and 'catching' around the school corridors with you sees fit to tie the knot.

But let's be fair. He signed on for the Navy and is able to sustain a stable income. He's been dating the same girl for almost 7 years before they decided to get married. Short of the ride up the Eiffel, their love story's practically a fairy tale. As the montage of their photos played together with snazzy 80s love songs, I began to wonder whether I'd ever find anyone. Perhaps it's inevitable that such feelings come, given the company I was in; most of my primary school classmates are happily attached and enjoy the security of a stable long-term relationship. Some of them were even speculating as to who would be handing out the invitation within the next five years. And all I could mutter deep down as the banter continued was, "not me".

Perhaps its human nature to want to feel needed and loved by someone. And try as I may, its hard to be completely apathetic to the concept of love. Believe me, ever since last year I've tried and failed to dispel love from my life. It's hard not to love family and friends who constantly shower undemanding affection towards you, and it's equally as hard as a guy not to develop feelings for a girl who meets your criteria. But to take that next step, to seriously pursue and sustain a long-term relationship... that is where my 'emotional block' lies.

I can't, it's really too difficult. And maybe just as well. Because as far as I can tell, it will be a long time before I find myself saying 'I Do' at the altar.

"You're driftwood floating underwater, breaking into pieces...and pieces."

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Traveller fell apart at 3:38 AM

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