Melancholic Derivations

March 29, 2007

The Voice of Truth

This song really speaks to me, how it speaks about unshakeable faith, how God is always in control. Amen, He is.

Casting Crowns - Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Labels: YHWH

Traveller fell apart at 12:00 PM

March 28, 2007

A Dark Valentine's

It was a day like any other. I remember complaining about the fact that I would have to do community service as part of school requirements and how you told me it was a good thing to be able to help the needy. I smirked and shrugged it off, dismissing you faster than you could utter another phrase. The car ride was silent, interrupted briefly only by the conversation you tried to start between us. All you got were grunts and little nods of acknowledgement; oh how I regret that. We reached the orphanage and I shouted at you, telling you not to interrupt me when I was busy with my own indulgences. You smiled wryly and drove off. Little did I know it would be the last time I saw you alive.

The day passed in a flash, and I was sitting at home when the phone call came. You were having difficulty breathing and Auntie Ai Cheng told me not to panic but to get ready to leave for the hospital. I breathed in deeply, hoping to calm myself, hoping to stem the tide which threatened to leave me a sobbing wreck. The car ride was excruciating, worried thoughts continuously playing all worst-case scenarios again and again. At some point, I knew you were gone but I scarcely dared accept that reality. As the car pulled up to NUH, I knew that a life-changing moment was about to dawn on me.

When Mom ran out of the Emergency Ward crying, my heart sank. The hopes and optimism I carried with me washed away in a tide of her tears and mine. I stumbled through the swinging doors, hoping to at least catch a moment with you before you left this world. But it was not to be. That tirade I hurled at you would be our last communique as father and son. My lips quivered as I saw you on that table, lifeless and cold; eyes shut in eternal rest. The tears did not come, surprisingly. It was just....a void. A void which no one has yet been able to fill thus far. The memories of us during our bonding sessions flashed past my eyes as I held your stiff hands. I apologised profusely knowing that it meant nothing. It was all for nothing. I had lost a best friend, a piece of me and most importantly, a father.

It's been almost a decade since that fateful Valentine's Day. Yet the events remain etched in memory like scars on the sands of time. I am sorry, and I will always be. You are missed and loved, Papa.

Richard E: 1949 - 1998

"Could it be any harder? To say goodbye without you. Could it be any harder? To watch you go, to face what's true. If I only had one....more day."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 12:39 AM

March 20, 2007

Entrusting All

There are times in our human existence where we imagine ourselves infallible, we believe that our mind overcomes every obstacle. Where does it stop, though? Only when our mistake has led to disastrous consequences both for ourselves and those around us? Or when we're gently reminded that we are but finite in this infinite reality? They say death is the great equalizer of men. How true, how spot on.

There are many times I've been tempted to and have transgressed boundaries the Lord has set for me. I've ventured beyond the 'big red line' and found only misery and regret on the other side. It's funny that they say the grass is always greener on the other side because when it comes to life itself, there is nothing really, on the other side. The times where we want to believe that there is something awaiting us on the other side are really just times where we want to find excuses to indulge in our own carnality. I'm done living that lie. It's His way and His will for my life from now on.

And that's why I'm patiently waiting for the right time. Because I've been down this path one too many times where I've acted rashly and ruined Perfect plans for me. Whether or not you turn out to be the person God has set aside for me will only be known in His perfect timing. The rest is secondary and unimportant. It's tough, gritting my teeth and watching as life passes both of us by whilst there could have been so many 'opportune' moments. But patience has always been a virtue and more so in this case.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you."

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 11:46 PM

March 19, 2007

Unreachable Heights

The pale moonlight runneth deep,
Casting shadows upon thine stony creek.
Yet shadows not they be,
For ghosts of pasts forgotten,
Love the darkness and the negligence.
Thine own failure, thine must pay.
Yet thy own failure, forgiven may.
Lacking strength or courage thus,
Entrust. Entrust.
Slipping into hatred now,
Shalt God save us as he save thou?
O, foolish mortals yet
Look not beyond this set.
For the world's a stage and we, merely players.
Players though we may be
But a winner we shalt never see.
Save God. Save God.
And leave Him to His judgement seat.

Amen.

Labels: Melancholic

Traveller fell apart at 1:41 AM

March 16, 2007

Salting Old Wounds

You never know when life will throw you a curveball, you really never will. The conversation with S forced much introspection, much deep thought as to how I've been living my life. Ashamedly, I haven't exactly been a model Christian. I've failed one too many times and succumbed to weaknesses I should have overcome a long time ago. 'Demons' which should have been subdued rear their ugly head every now and then, giving way to fear and apprehension as to whether I'd ever escape from the cyclical nature of my own sin.

I need to take a stand. I need to step forward in faith.

All through my life, I've been living mostly for me. It's hard to naturally take consideration of others when you've practically lived your whole life self-absorbed. Times where I should have given heed to how others may have felt, I merely dismissed their concerns. Occasions where I could have shown love and patience, I filled in with callousness and selfishness. Instances where I could have given hope and friendship, I substituted with a judgemental attitude and haughty demeanour. I regret my actions now, and sometimes I fear that I may have realised all of this too late. But the beauty of life is, we always get a second chance to correct the wrongs we've made. Unless of course we're dead.

Repairing relations with people I've held a grudge with for years is a good start. I want to start trying to love all of God's people and to treat them with respect in all that they do. I want to see everyone as an equal, and to appreciate all the little quirks they've been blessed with. I want to try and enjoy time spent with friends, no strings attached. I just want to feel again, and not be stuck in this ivory tower of melancholy. And today I will.

It sounds corny and unbelievable, but I'm done living for me. It's time to start living for Him.

Labels: Life In General

Traveller fell apart at 1:47 AM

March 10, 2007

Meaningful Revelations

Feeder - Feeling A Moment

Feeling the moment slip away
Losing direction you're losing faith
You're wishing for someone
Feeling it all begin to slide
Am I just like you?
All the things you do, can't help myself

How do you feel when there's no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come?
They'll pull you down again
How will you feel when there's no one?
Am I just like you?

Turning to face what you've become
Buried the ashes of someone
Broken by the strain
Trying to fill that space inside
Am I just like you?
All the things you do, can't help myself

How do you feel when there's no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come?
They'll pull you down again
How will you feel when there's no one?
Am I just like you?
All the things you do...

Don't ever feel, 
That you're alone 
I'll never let you down, 
I'll never leave you dry 
Don't fall apart,
Don't let it go
Carry the motion,
Carry the motion back to me

To me

Feeling the moment slip away
Feeling the moment slip away

'Cos I'm just like you?

How do you feel when there's no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come?
They'll pull you down again
How will you feel when there's no one?

Am I just like you?

Labels: Songs

Traveller fell apart at 2:18 PM

March 04, 2007

A Letter To You

Hi,

Being the cautious person I am, I would never allow you to read this. Because what I'm about to detail are things which I hold dear to my heart, things which if insensitively treated, might hurt me. I realise that typing this in a public blog runs contrary to what I seem to want, but that's what I like about the Internet; No one will ever know who you are, and hence, my responsibility is absolved along with that sense of anonymity.

Truth be told, I've enjoyed your company since we first got to know each other. How you always seem to come up with a smile to every tough situation faced, the grace and delicacy with which you handle difficult people in our Bible Study amazes me and leaves me confounded at how so much patience and peace could reside within a single soul of a person. I've never particularly been fond of demure and sweet girls and I think my track record proves that. But somehow, with you, I feel a sense of peace and serenity that I've never felt in my life thus far. Not in these 24 years, no. You make my day whenever we meet, even if it's just for a short while, even for some trivial event; and I'm left grinning like a 13-year-old schoolboy who's just been kissed for the first time every single time.

I can't exactly say when I started having these feelings for you nor can I give an exact recount of the countless beautiful moments which have taken place between us. There were times at Drummond where our eyes would meet from across the room and I'd be scared to death at what to think of that. Whether to deny it in my mind and to tell myself that you were looking elsewhere and not at me or whether to embrace the thought that you might be feeling the same way I feel about you. I'm always looking over your shoulder, hoping in some way to manufacture opportunities to meet until recently when I decided to let God be our matchmaker. In that way, I'd be able to see if any future, possible relationship would be ordained by our Heavenly Father.

You deserve the best person to look after you and to care for you the rest of your life. Make no mistake about that and never short-change yourself. Whether or not I happen to be that person is irrelevant because irregardless of anything ever happening between us, I'd still want the best for you. And so, with that thought in mind, I've left any possibility between us to God. I've been thinking alot about the future recently, about whether I'm going to settle down with anyone at all after attending the weddings of two friends. The thoughts of being alone for life induce fear and apprehension but at the same time, I don't want to compromise on what I know would be best for me. But there is something I'm clear about.

It's that if I were to end up with anyone in the end, I'd want it to be someone who has a soul like yours. And knowing that, I'd be contented forever.

Yours Sincerely,
Joel.

Labels: Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 12:42 AM


	Now Spinning Heroes Theme - Heroes Soundtrack The Protagonist joel \| content \| driven \| focused \| motive-oriented \| cynical \| analytical \| God-fearing \| jaded \| Frequent Reads Ben Christie Christine Davina Eugene Jasmine Jeremy Jo-ann Kay-Lene Mac Tammy Vivek Past Rants January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 Tap My Shoulder		March 29, 2007 The Voice of Truth This song really speaks to me, how it speaks about unshakeable faith, how God is always in control. Amen, He is. Casting Crowns - Voice of Truth Oh what I would do to have The kind of faith it takes To climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zone Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is And He's holding out His hand But the waves are calling out my name And they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win!" Chorus: But the voice of truth tells me a different story The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth Oh what I would do to have The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant With just a sling and a stone Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors Shaking in their armor Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand But the giant's calling out my name And he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!" "You'll never win!" But the stone was just the right size To put the giant on the ground And the waves they don't seem so high From on top of them lookin' down I will soar with the wings of eagles When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus Singing over me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth Labels: YHWH Traveller fell apart at 12:00 PM March 28, 2007 A Dark Valentine's It was a day like any other. I remember complaining about the fact that I would have to do community service as part of school requirements and how you told me it was a good thing to be able to help the needy. I smirked and shrugged it off, dismissing you faster than you could utter another phrase. The car ride was silent, interrupted briefly only by the conversation you tried to start between us. All you got were grunts and little nods of acknowledgement; oh how I regret that. We reached the orphanage and I shouted at you, telling you not to interrupt me when I was busy with my own indulgences. You smiled wryly and drove off. Little did I know it would be the last time I saw you alive. The day passed in a flash, and I was sitting at home when the phone call came. You were having difficulty breathing and Auntie Ai Cheng told me not to panic but to get ready to leave for the hospital. I breathed in deeply, hoping to calm myself, hoping to stem the tide which threatened to leave me a sobbing wreck. The car ride was excruciating, worried thoughts continuously playing all worst-case scenarios again and again. At some point, I knew you were gone but I scarcely dared accept that reality. As the car pulled up to NUH, I knew that a life-changing moment was about to dawn on me. When Mom ran out of the Emergency Ward crying, my heart sank. The hopes and optimism I carried with me washed away in a tide of her tears and mine. I stumbled through the swinging doors, hoping to at least catch a moment with you before you left this world. But it was not to be. That tirade I hurled at you would be our last communique as father and son. My lips quivered as I saw you on that table, lifeless and cold; eyes shut in eternal rest. The tears did not come, surprisingly. It was just....a void. A void which no one has yet been able to fill thus far. The memories of us during our bonding sessions flashed past my eyes as I held your stiff hands. I apologised profusely knowing that it meant nothing. It was all for nothing. I had lost a best friend, a piece of me and most importantly, a father. It's been almost a decade since that fateful Valentine's Day. Yet the events remain etched in memory like scars on the sands of time. I am sorry, and I will always be. You are missed and loved, Papa. Richard E: 1949 - 1998 "Could it be any harder? To say goodbye without you. Could it be any harder? To watch you go, to face what's true. If I only had one....more day." Labels: Thoughts Traveller fell apart at 12:39 AM March 20, 2007 Entrusting All There are times in our human existence where we imagine ourselves infallible, we believe that our mind overcomes every obstacle. Where does it stop, though? Only when our mistake has led to disastrous consequences both for ourselves and those around us? Or when we're gently reminded that we are but finite in this infinite reality? They say death is the great equalizer of men. How true, how spot on. There are many times I've been tempted to and have transgressed boundaries the Lord has set for me. I've ventured beyond the 'big red line' and found only misery and regret on the other side. It's funny that they say the grass is always greener on the other side because when it comes to life itself, there is nothing really, on the other side. The times where we want to believe that there is something awaiting us on the other side are really just times where we want to find excuses to indulge in our own carnality. I'm done living that lie. It's His way and His will for my life from now on. And that's why I'm patiently waiting for the right time. Because I've been down this path one too many times where I've acted rashly and ruined Perfect plans for me. Whether or not you turn out to be the person God has set aside for me will only be known in His perfect timing. The rest is secondary and unimportant. It's tough, gritting my teeth and watching as life passes both of us by whilst there could have been so many 'opportune' moments. But patience has always been a virtue and more so in this case. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you." Labels: Thoughts Traveller fell apart at 11:46 PM March 19, 2007 Unreachable Heights The pale moonlight runneth deep, Casting shadows upon thine stony creek. Yet shadows not they be, For ghosts of pasts forgotten, Love the darkness and the negligence. Thine own failure, thine must pay. Yet thy own failure, forgiven may. Lacking strength or courage thus, Entrust. Entrust. Slipping into hatred now, Shalt God save us as he save thou? O, foolish mortals yet Look not beyond this set. For the world's a stage and we, merely players. Players though we may be But a winner we shalt never see. Save God. Save God. And leave Him to His judgement seat. Amen. Labels: Melancholic Traveller fell apart at 1:41 AM March 16, 2007 Salting Old Wounds You never know when life will throw you a curveball, you really never will. The conversation with S forced much introspection, much deep thought as to how I've been living my life. Ashamedly, I haven't exactly been a model Christian. I've failed one too many times and succumbed to weaknesses I should have overcome a long time ago. 'Demons' which should have been subdued rear their ugly head every now and then, giving way to fear and apprehension as to whether I'd ever escape from the cyclical nature of my own sin. I need to take a stand. I need to step forward in faith. All through my life, I've been living mostly for me. It's hard to naturally take consideration of others when you've practically lived your whole life self-absorbed. Times where I should have given heed to how others may have felt, I merely dismissed their concerns. Occasions where I could have shown love and patience, I filled in with callousness and selfishness. Instances where I could have given hope and friendship, I substituted with a judgemental attitude and haughty demeanour. I regret my actions now, and sometimes I fear that I may have realised all of this too late. But the beauty of life is, we always get a second chance to correct the wrongs we've made. Unless of course we're dead. Repairing relations with people I've held a grudge with for years is a good start. I want to start trying to love all of God's people and to treat them with respect in all that they do. I want to see everyone as an equal, and to appreciate all the little quirks they've been blessed with. I want to try and enjoy time spent with friends, no strings attached. I just want to feel again, and not be stuck in this ivory tower of melancholy. And today I will. It sounds corny and unbelievable, but I'm done living for me. It's time to start living for Him. Labels: Life In General Traveller fell apart at 1:47 AM March 10, 2007 Meaningful Revelations Feeder - Feeling A Moment Feeling the moment slip away Losing direction you're losing faith You're wishing for someone Feeling it all begin to slide Am I just like you? All the things you do, can't help myself How do you feel when there's no sun? And how will you be when rain clouds come? They'll pull you down again How will you feel when there's no one? Am I just like you? Turning to face what you've become Buried the ashes of someone Broken by the strain Trying to fill that space inside Am I just like you? All the things you do, can't help myself How do you feel when there's no sun? And how will you be when rain clouds come? They'll pull you down again How will you feel when there's no one? Am I just like you? All the things you do... Don't ever feel, That you're alone I'll never let you down, I'll never leave you dry Don't fall apart, Don't let it go Carry the motion, Carry the motion back to me To me Feeling the moment slip away Feeling the moment slip away 'Cos I'm just like you? How do you feel when there's no sun? And how will you be when rain clouds come? They'll pull you down again How will you feel when there's no one? Am I just like you? Labels: Songs Traveller fell apart at 2:18 PM March 04, 2007 A Letter To You Hi, Being the cautious person I am, I would never allow you to read this. Because what I'm about to detail are things which I hold dear to my heart, things which if insensitively treated, might hurt me. I realise that typing this in a public blog runs contrary to what I seem to want, but that's what I like about the Internet; No one will ever know who you are, and hence, my responsibility is absolved along with that sense of anonymity. Truth be told, I've enjoyed your company since we first got to know each other. How you always seem to come up with a smile to every tough situation faced, the grace and delicacy with which you handle difficult people in our Bible Study amazes me and leaves me confounded at how so much patience and peace could reside within a single soul of a person. I've never particularly been fond of demure and sweet girls and I think my track record proves that. But somehow, with you, I feel a sense of peace and serenity that I've never felt in my life thus far. Not in these 24 years, no. You make my day whenever we meet, even if it's just for a short while, even for some trivial event; and I'm left grinning like a 13-year-old schoolboy who's just been kissed for the first time every single time. I can't exactly say when I started having these feelings for you nor can I give an exact recount of the countless beautiful moments which have taken place between us. There were times at Drummond where our eyes would meet from across the room and I'd be scared to death at what to think of that. Whether to deny it in my mind and to tell myself that you were looking elsewhere and not at me or whether to embrace the thought that you might be feeling the same way I feel about you. I'm always looking over your shoulder, hoping in some way to manufacture opportunities to meet until recently when I decided to let God be our matchmaker. In that way, I'd be able to see if any future, possible relationship would be ordained by our Heavenly Father. You deserve the best person to look after you and to care for you the rest of your life. Make no mistake about that and never short-change yourself. Whether or not I happen to be that person is irrelevant because irregardless of anything ever happening between us, I'd still want the best for you. And so, with that thought in mind, I've left any possibility between us to God. I've been thinking alot about the future recently, about whether I'm going to settle down with anyone at all after attending the weddings of two friends. The thoughts of being alone for life induce fear and apprehension but at the same time, I don't want to compromise on what I know would be best for me. But there is something I'm clear about. It's that if I were to end up with anyone in the end, I'd want it to be someone who has a soul like yours. And knowing that, I'd be contented forever. Yours Sincerely, Joel. Labels: Thoughts Traveller fell apart at 12:42 AM