February 19, 2004
I am confused to say the least. Ideas that my mind had revisited in ages past seem to have found their way to the forefront of my vision. Religion has long been an aspect of my life that I have put behind, shoved if you will. Despite being born into a Christian family and having extremely devout parents, I have failed to find God on my own. Hence, when Joseph told me today that my problem was my lack of experience with God, it struck me deep down. I tried not to show it but Joseph seems to have thawed his way through my cold wall of resistance. It is not that I enjoy resisting the word of God but out of sheer need for intellectual control and logic, I have somehow asked God to take a 'backseat'.
When reading about the perils of Rayford and Chloe in the Left Behind series I recently acquired, it hit me then. I did not want to be part of the non-believers that were left behind. I did not want to be a false Christian and to continue living in shame and sin. I realized all these mistakes but unfortunately, the real world is far from the ones they teach us about in Sunday school. People don't just go on their knees spontaneously to admit their wrongdoings. They need to be pushed, cajoled and prodded in the right direction. In my case, however, I think I just need a boot up my arse. But it hasn't come. For some reason.
Many thoughts have been swirling through my head and keeping up with them is a task that I find impossible to keep up with. Perhaps only through divine intervention will I finally grasp them firmly and plan my next step. In the meantime, I live as I always have ; stuck in a myriad of conflicting and damaging emotions.
Traveller fell apart at 3:23 AM
February 08, 2004
Owing to the completion of one phase of my life, I have found myself thinking long and hard about life. In a sense, you could say that I've come up with an analogy of my own. Have a read and see what you think.
Imagine life to be a 12-hour clock and the 6am mark to be the day of your birth. The Sun has seemingly only just begun to show its rays of light and its full potential has yet to be released. Similarly, when babies are born, they are often complimented on how radiant their skin seems to be and how fair and soft they look. We come into this world radiant and full of hope for the future, as a pride and joy, as a product of love between our parents.
The morning ensues and the Sun's rays seem to get stronger and stronger while yet, maintaining a certain coolness about it. Morning represents our childhood and teenage years where they are soothing and yet sometimes, trying even as we get used to the heat rays that seem to be building up as time goes by. Pressure builds on our lives as we struggle for the next step of education, learning or even life skills. But nothing can prepare us for the transition that is to come.
Noon breaks and we suddenly find ourselves in a period between childhood and adulthood. Imagine 1pm to be your 'young adult' years and 2pm to be your 20-something years. Many of us go through this 'afternoon' of our lives slogging away as the heat builds up to a climax at 3:30pm ; something most of us would call a mid-life crisis. Some choose to take an 'afternoon nap' and to succumb to this crisis, rendering themselves useless and depressed while some choose to slog on knowing that their rest is just on the horizon.
Evening dawns and we suddenly arrive at 5pm, where the sun is slowly starting to set on our lives and we find ourselves living out the "Golden Age" of our lives. The heat is dying down and the light starts to dim as nightfall draws near. Retirement beckons and suddenly, we don't seem so energetic and radiant anymore. Yet, little sparks of light appear in the sky as our past life experiences shine through the blanket of darkness which is old age. These sparks are known as stars ; different memories from different years of our life which we remember fondly.
Then comes eternal slumber where we finally lay our head down to rest after a long, hard day at work. Or rather, in this case, life.
My point? Life seems so short when you look at it this way. And since we know we haven't got long left, might as well live it out as much as we can, right?
Traveller fell apart at 3:50 AM