April 29, 2006

Short Siesta

It's getting to that time of the semester again, the time where assignments begin to pile and mid-semesters loom in the horizon. And it's also at times like these where I wish I could relax by the Cancun beach in Mexico sipping a glass of margherita(sp?) and just enjoying the cool sea breeze. At times during various points of the day, my mind tunes out and just for that few seconds I'm actually feeling the draught and hearing the voices of holidaymakers on the beach. Then in an instant, the sounds of reality return and I find myself in the thick of it again.

Desperately need a break from everything, but I think I've enough in the tank to see me through till after the exams. Things may be piling up, but I'll strive towards the greater good of tomorrow.

Found a new really good Christian band and they don't play pussy music for ONCE. Yes, Planetshakers, Hillsongs your lyrics all don't stir up emotions in me quite like 12 Stones does.

12 Stones - Let Go

I feel so alone
I know that I need You
To help me make it through the night
And I pray that You believe in me
You gave me my strength to face another day alone

I need You now, my Friend
More than you know
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go of You

This world brings me down
I know that I need You
To help me make it through the night
Cause I know that You're the one for me
You gave me my strength to face another day alone

I need You now, my Friend
More than you know - yeah yeah
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go, I can't let go

As time passes by
I find things never seem to change
When I feel alone
You bring me back to You

And I need You now, my Friend
More than You'll know
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go of You
No, I can't let go.

As time passes by, You always bring me back to You. Thank You.

Traveller fell apart at 11:12 AM

April 22, 2006

One Year On

Alot can happen in the span of a year, at least that's what I've found out.

In one year, empires are built and destroyed.
In one year, relationships can be formed and ruined.
In one year, marriages can be made and divorced.
In one year, alliances can be agreed and cancelled.
Yet in one year, hurts deep in the heart cannot be resolved.

It was strange today at cell, that the theme for worship was "Letting go of past heartbreaks". What made it more intriguing was the fact that I originally wasn't even planning to attend the service, not least till 5pm today. Was it then a message from the Almighty? Or mere coincidence? To assume the latter would require great faith in the wheel of chance, something which I do not possess. Hence, I'd have to say it was God trying to tell me something. To let go and to commit to Him.

Easier said than done though. Some things are just lodged so deep that it would be impossible to pull them out without ripping out a part of yourself.

Then again, there's nothing left inside to rip apart.

Traveller fell apart at 1:03 AM

April 21, 2006

The Doldrums of Easter

It's almost the end of easter break, and it's been a pretty uneventful one. Been cooped up mostly at home, lost in my own thoughts whilst braving the cold and rain outside. In some ways, I'm thankful that there's not been much to do this holidays. At least I don't quite have to fake a smile and tell everyone I'm ok when I'm not. At least the lying will stop somewhere, and in private I don't have to lie to myself.

In some ways, perhaps I was being naive. Believing in my own will to recover and to move on, I'd actually hoped that the sad spells would be gone by this time. But they're not. They continue to haunt and linger, and try as I might, pray as hard as I can, they refuse to leave. The shadows of yesteryear play out in my mind repeatedly, and sometimes it's hard not to shed a tear. And yet, even a tear seems a pale comparison to the torrents inside.

I frequently stop to wonder when there will be sunshine, when there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. And it was then that I realised that my whole life's been a tunnel, a never-ending stream of darkness save a few lamps of illumination here and there. But like everything else, the lamps go out and leave the darkness lingering. In life, everyone, everything will one day leave you. Nothing is forever, everything transient. Parents, lovers, friends, acquaintances, they all must die or leave you. What becomes the point then, in these circumstances, of shedding any ounce of effort to build relationships? I'm beginning to question, to wonder. But I know, these questions are all but rhetorical. They will never be answered, not least till I meet God and ask Him why.

In the meantime, I struggle and try to keep my head above water. Above the fact of sinking into depression.

"Do you ever think you'll never love that way again? Perhaps so...perhaps."

Traveller fell apart at 3:21 AM

April 07, 2006

After All

After the jolting shock, comes the disbelief. And after disbelief, comes the complete denial. The denial, however, cannot merely linger. It must also give way to immense grief, which then translates into sorrow. Sorrow, as an emotion, must also become pensiveness and quiet acceptance. And finally, after everything has come and past...then comes....apathy.

Apathy. Such a big word, yet it means nothing. A total disregard for everything, everyone. Can a man be pushed into this realm? Yes, perhaps it is possible. If pushed hard enough and hurt deep enough, everything is possible within this life. Even complete apathy. Complete disregard. Yet, I try not to make that mistake, not to allow the grief to devour me. But this is a situation in which the mistake is not mine to make. It is a situation in which the circumstances control my emotions, my feelings. Yet, am I weak? Or merely exercising my humanity?

Apathy. It also means a weariness. A tiredness to bother about what will come, what has past and what occurs in the present. That's not to say I've given up on life. Quite the contrary. I'm determined to learn from my mistakes and move on in life stronger and wiser than before. But inevitably, the regrets will flow and sometimes at night, so will the tears.

Apathy. You've set in.

Traveller fell apart at 12:12 AM

April 01, 2006

How do songs do this? Just how? They dig up all those ghosts of memories past hiding deep within your cerebral and replay them on a video screen in front of your eyes. I should know, the video's been left running for the past 4 months.

Jimmy Eat World - Polaris

I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid (Afraid of the future, afraid of the darkness.)

A thousand nights or more
I travel west and north
Please answer the door

Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go I'll let you be, but you're killing everything in me.

Get down on your knees, whisper what I need
Something pretty, something pretty.
I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful. (It really was beautiful once.)
Then you tell me

I'm done there's nothing left to show
Try but can't let go
Are you happy where you're standing still
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorow and I'll start
To another, it feels so hard
As a train approaches Garu De Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?

"When you go, I'll let you be. But you're killing everything in me."

Traveller fell apart at 12:37 PM

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