Melancholic Derivations

March 30, 2004

How are spirituality and religion defined? Does the entire concept of God-Man-Satan actually exist or is it merely a figment of imagination? Whatever doubts I've had about this entire concept of a larger agenda in our Universe have been firmly dispelled after the events of the last two weeks. I came to know of a book titled "The Devil's Apocrypha" from AcmaBooks.Com and found myself mysteriously drawn to its contents. Without much hesitation, I placed an order for the book and began to read in fervor after it arrived. The contents shocked me to say the least. God living on human religious fervor? The Trinity creating humanity solely for the purpose of survival? Jesus being influenced more than we thought by those thirty nine days with the Devil in the wilderness? And for a moment it did make sense. How else would you explain a sudden change in doctrine from the Old Testament, which described God's laws and wrath, to the New Testament, which put an onus on Jesus' doctrine of love and peace. It seemed so unreal and when the book explained that it was The Devil who had a say in Jesus sudden change in direction, for a moment it made perfect sense.

In my zeal and drive at this new found knowledge, I began recommending the book to everyone I knew. Many of them took to this news with seeming apathy or ignorance and only Mark and Ben professed an interest in borrowing the book from me. When it came to Eugene, however, he was adamant that I not lend him the book. It intrigued me. Why had he so vividly rejected this knowledge without reading it? The answer was simple. Just days prior to my entrance, he had experienced a miracle in his family. His cousin was down with liver failure and owing to intense prayer and divine intervention, she had made a dramatic recovery. Surprising what God can do to restore your faith if he chooses to.

So where's my shot at restoration? I can only guess. One thing I know is for sure, there must be some divine battle going on out there which I can't see because everything points to it.

Traveller fell apart at 3:47 PM

March 25, 2004

Currently in the middle of my mentioned "Hell Week", I find myself lacking in energy or enthusiasm to continue this long march towards Saturday. Tomorrow, I will be on duty and concurrently, there will be a Change Of Command Rehearsal Parade. Guess what that means? Yes. More shit, more arrows flying across the drawing board, more of everything but off. Today's range was a horrid experience to say the least. Emptying sandbags, dumping rubbish in a refuse point like one of those Bangladeshi workers certainly brought me to my most humble state. Only now, at 12:45am can I find time to pen an entry in here after arriving home at 12 midnight, unpacking, showering and cleaning up. I can only pray tomorrow's duty will be less hard on me although that would be a tall order.

Oh well, enough with the whining. Bring on the rest of Hell Week.

P.S. I do regret posting such a short entry this time round but I do need my siesta you know.

Traveller fell apart at 3:41 AM

March 19, 2004

The false dawn. The calm before the storm. Those must be the allegories to describe the situation I find myself in. My previous post talked about things at camp calming down and becoming much better. So wrong. I was so wrong. Yesterday, the new management made clear their stand on welfare, for me at least. I am now being forced to report for range duty and as a result, will be staying in camp for three out of six days. So this is it. The start of hell week. Duty on Sunday, Stay in camp on Tuesday night, range duty on Wednesday till late, duty on Thursday, Medical Appointment at 8am on Friday. Wonderful. To say that I am currently on a low would be a major understatement. What I can't understand is the onus of Alvin Say. Whether bastard or blessing, it would be too early to say. All I can speculate however, based on his current treatment of ORD personnel is that he is vindictive and callous with 'arrows'. My only reprieve from this horrid situation is perhaps that I will be officially gone from 1st Transport Battalion from mid-April. I pray only that I possess enough mental and inner strength to take the nonsense that is sure to compound itself in the weeks to come.

Traveller fell apart at 11:44 PM

March 14, 2004

I've finally caught the highly recommended show "Big Fish" via the Internet ; that is to say the illegal way of course. Far from being boring as most people, including my mother, would have seen it, I would say it has been one which has had the most impact on my life this year. Big Fish talks about finding out who your parents really were and are, about how they've had an impact on your life whether positive or negative, how you'll really miss them when they're gone. Pity I never had a chance to tell Dad goodbye. I'd have so much to tell him at that point in time, how I owed my childhood to him and so much more. But today, I asked myself the question whether I really knew who my Dad was. In many ways, Edward Bloom reminded me of Dad ; the jokes, the humourous demeanour, the wild imagination and most of all, the immense love he carried with him for his family and friends. Dad had told me many stories about his childhood which seemed incredulous at the time but seem all so real and vivid now. And regardless of whether they were true, what I'd give to hear them all from him once more.

Speaking about my childhood, Mom asked whether I'd like to try my hand at playing the piano once more. Me and this musical instrument go way back to the days when I was a budding adolescent, struggling to find my place in a seemingly expanding world. The piano was the only thing I found constant in life ; the keys, the placement of notes, the chords. Everything. Out of sheer laziness I'd dropped it, hoping to have made more time for the other things I deemed important. At that point in time, Dad told me I would regret it and true enough, I do now. The other things which had seemed so important to me at that time now seem to just fade into the background. If only I hadn't gone on my wilful instincts and discontinued my lessons. And now, picking up the skill all over again at my age, just seems so difficult. And my Mom claims I have a pianist's fingers. Sheesh.

Something tells me that I have alot more to learn in the world out there. So much more that Dad shielded me from.

Traveller fell apart at 7:10 PM

March 09, 2004

The waters of doubt have receded at camp in these recent days as my time in the SAF comes to a grinding halt. Today happened to be Joseph's last day in our camp due to his new posting at 1st Commandos and we had some sort of a party in our office. Pizza, drinks and jokes were the main delight of the day but none more so than what Joseph had to say. When he told me that God had probably placed him in my path briefly for a reason, I'm sure I believed him totally. When he explained to me what God had planned for me and what I lacked, I felt my insides cringe. You see, I really wanted to believe him and to take everything in, confess my sins and just throw myself into God's arms. Yet, there was an unseen force holding me back. Something telling me that to do so would be intellectual suicide and putting all my years of hard work and knowledge gathering down the drain.

When telling him about how I was as a child, I actually felt awkward. Awkward because I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be carefree and enthusiastic, without a doubt or cynic view in mind. Joseph has that uncanny ability to see through your soul and as he so aptly put it, "the eyes are the windows to the soul". I was extremely affected by what he said and sat silent for most of the day.

My problem isn't that I lack trust in the Bible or God. It isn't that I am wilfully going against all that God has said. I just need that boot up my arse, that push to do so. And you know the saying that God works in mysterious ways? Stephanie messaged me and asked me to download a song from Jaci Velasquez, bringing to mind this song.

Jaci Velasquez - You

Who makes
The sun light up my shadows
When the darkness tries to follow me?
Who makes
The air that brings me life
So I can breathe the love that's given to me?

You make ev'rything good,
Ev'rything wonderful.
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view.
Let's forever sing.
You make ev'rything pure,
Ev'rything beautiful.
You make me see the only thing that's true:
It's You,
It's You.

Who makes
The waters of my sorrow part
And leads the gladness into my heart?
Who makes
The rivers run that wash away
And clean my soul to make a new start?

You make ev'rything good,
Ev'rything wonderful.
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view.
Let's forever sing.
You make ev'rything pure,
Ev'rything beautiful.
You make me see the only thing that's true:
It's You.

You hung the moon;
You placed the stars that shine Your love for me.
I hope all that I do
Will show reflections of You.
All I do, all for You, shine Your love through me.

You make ev'rything good,
Ev'rything wonderful.
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view.
Let's forever sing.
You make ev'rything pure,
Ev'rything beautiful.
You make me see the only thing that's true,
It's You, it's You, it's You.
You're ev'rything pure and beautiful.

Traveller fell apart at 10:04 PM


	Now Spinning Heroes Theme - Heroes Soundtrack The Protagonist joel \| content \| driven \| focused \| motive-oriented \| cynical \| analytical \| God-fearing \| jaded \| Frequent Reads Ben Christie Christine Davina Eugene Jasmine Jeremy Jo-ann Kay-Lene Mac Tammy Vivek Past Rants January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 Tap My Shoulder		March 30, 2004 How are spirituality and religion defined? Does the entire concept of God-Man-Satan actually exist or is it merely a figment of imagination? Whatever doubts I've had about this entire concept of a larger agenda in our Universe have been firmly dispelled after the events of the last two weeks. I came to know of a book titled "The Devil's Apocrypha" from AcmaBooks.Com and found myself mysteriously drawn to its contents. Without much hesitation, I placed an order for the book and began to read in fervor after it arrived. The contents shocked me to say the least. God living on human religious fervor? The Trinity creating humanity solely for the purpose of survival? Jesus being influenced more than we thought by those thirty nine days with the Devil in the wilderness? And for a moment it did make sense. How else would you explain a sudden change in doctrine from the Old Testament, which described God's laws and wrath, to the New Testament, which put an onus on Jesus' doctrine of love and peace. It seemed so unreal and when the book explained that it was The Devil who had a say in Jesus sudden change in direction, for a moment it made perfect sense. In my zeal and drive at this new found knowledge, I began recommending the book to everyone I knew. Many of them took to this news with seeming apathy or ignorance and only Mark and Ben professed an interest in borrowing the book from me. When it came to Eugene, however, he was adamant that I not lend him the book. It intrigued me. Why had he so vividly rejected this knowledge without reading it? The answer was simple. Just days prior to my entrance, he had experienced a miracle in his family. His cousin was down with liver failure and owing to intense prayer and divine intervention, she had made a dramatic recovery. Surprising what God can do to restore your faith if he chooses to. So where's my shot at restoration? I can only guess. One thing I know is for sure, there must be some divine battle going on out there which I can't see because everything points to it. Traveller fell apart at 3:47 PM March 25, 2004 Currently in the middle of my mentioned "Hell Week", I find myself lacking in energy or enthusiasm to continue this long march towards Saturday. Tomorrow, I will be on duty and concurrently, there will be a Change Of Command Rehearsal Parade. Guess what that means? Yes. More shit, more arrows flying across the drawing board, more of everything but off. Today's range was a horrid experience to say the least. Emptying sandbags, dumping rubbish in a refuse point like one of those Bangladeshi workers certainly brought me to my most humble state. Only now, at 12:45am can I find time to pen an entry in here after arriving home at 12 midnight, unpacking, showering and cleaning up. I can only pray tomorrow's duty will be less hard on me although that would be a tall order. Oh well, enough with the whining. Bring on the rest of Hell Week. P.S. I do regret posting such a short entry this time round but I do need my siesta you know. Traveller fell apart at 3:41 AM March 19, 2004 The false dawn. The calm before the storm. Those must be the allegories to describe the situation I find myself in. My previous post talked about things at camp calming down and becoming much better. So wrong. I was so wrong. Yesterday, the new management made clear their stand on welfare, for me at least. I am now being forced to report for range duty and as a result, will be staying in camp for three out of six days. So this is it. The start of hell week. Duty on Sunday, Stay in camp on Tuesday night, range duty on Wednesday till late, duty on Thursday, Medical Appointment at 8am on Friday. Wonderful. To say that I am currently on a low would be a major understatement. What I can't understand is the onus of Alvin Say. Whether bastard or blessing, it would be too early to say. All I can speculate however, based on his current treatment of ORD personnel is that he is vindictive and callous with 'arrows'. My only reprieve from this horrid situation is perhaps that I will be officially gone from 1st Transport Battalion from mid-April. I pray only that I possess enough mental and inner strength to take the nonsense that is sure to compound itself in the weeks to come. Traveller fell apart at 11:44 PM March 14, 2004 I've finally caught the highly recommended show "Big Fish" via the Internet ; that is to say the illegal way of course. Far from being boring as most people, including my mother, would have seen it, I would say it has been one which has had the most impact on my life this year. Big Fish talks about finding out who your parents really were and are, about how they've had an impact on your life whether positive or negative, how you'll really miss them when they're gone. Pity I never had a chance to tell Dad goodbye. I'd have so much to tell him at that point in time, how I owed my childhood to him and so much more. But today, I asked myself the question whether I really knew who my Dad was. In many ways, Edward Bloom reminded me of Dad ; the jokes, the humourous demeanour, the wild imagination and most of all, the immense love he carried with him for his family and friends. Dad had told me many stories about his childhood which seemed incredulous at the time but seem all so real and vivid now. And regardless of whether they were true, what I'd give to hear them all from him once more. Speaking about my childhood, Mom asked whether I'd like to try my hand at playing the piano once more. Me and this musical instrument go way back to the days when I was a budding adolescent, struggling to find my place in a seemingly expanding world. The piano was the only thing I found constant in life ; the keys, the placement of notes, the chords. Everything. Out of sheer laziness I'd dropped it, hoping to have made more time for the other things I deemed important. At that point in time, Dad told me I would regret it and true enough, I do now. The other things which had seemed so important to me at that time now seem to just fade into the background. If only I hadn't gone on my wilful instincts and discontinued my lessons. And now, picking up the skill all over again at my age, just seems so difficult. And my Mom claims I have a pianist's fingers. Sheesh. Something tells me that I have alot more to learn in the world out there. So much more that Dad shielded me from. Traveller fell apart at 7:10 PM March 09, 2004 The waters of doubt have receded at camp in these recent days as my time in the SAF comes to a grinding halt. Today happened to be Joseph's last day in our camp due to his new posting at 1st Commandos and we had some sort of a party in our office. Pizza, drinks and jokes were the main delight of the day but none more so than what Joseph had to say. When he told me that God had probably placed him in my path briefly for a reason, I'm sure I believed him totally. When he explained to me what God had planned for me and what I lacked, I felt my insides cringe. You see, I really wanted to believe him and to take everything in, confess my sins and just throw myself into God's arms. Yet, there was an unseen force holding me back. Something telling me that to do so would be intellectual suicide and putting all my years of hard work and knowledge gathering down the drain. When telling him about how I was as a child, I actually felt awkward. Awkward because I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be carefree and enthusiastic, without a doubt or cynic view in mind. Joseph has that uncanny ability to see through your soul and as he so aptly put it, "the eyes are the windows to the soul". I was extremely affected by what he said and sat silent for most of the day. My problem isn't that I lack trust in the Bible or God. It isn't that I am wilfully going against all that God has said. I just need that boot up my arse, that push to do so. And you know the saying that God works in mysterious ways? Stephanie messaged me and asked me to download a song from Jaci Velasquez, bringing to mind this song. Jaci Velasquez - You Who makes The sun light up my shadows When the darkness tries to follow me? Who makes The air that brings me life So I can breathe the love that's given to me? You make ev'rything good, Ev'rything wonderful. You grace my days And heaven fills my view. Let's forever sing. You make ev'rything pure, Ev'rything beautiful. You make me see the only thing that's true: It's You, It's You. Who makes The waters of my sorrow part And leads the gladness into my heart? Who makes The rivers run that wash away And clean my soul to make a new start? You make ev'rything good, Ev'rything wonderful. You grace my days And heaven fills my view. Let's forever sing. You make ev'rything pure, Ev'rything beautiful. You make me see the only thing that's true: It's You. You hung the moon; You placed the stars that shine Your love for me. I hope all that I do Will show reflections of You. All I do, all for You, shine Your love through me. You make ev'rything good, Ev'rything wonderful. You grace my days And heaven fills my view. Let's forever sing. You make ev'rything pure, Ev'rything beautiful. You make me see the only thing that's true, It's You, it's You, it's You. You're ev'rything pure and beautiful. Traveller fell apart at 10:04 PM