May 29, 2006

Hate Defined

I realise my last post made me sound very bitter, angry and perhaps even vengeful. But quite the contrary, I'm feeling quite calm and collected about the entire thing. It's perhaps been too long for me to even scarcely feel the hurt or anger and I'm honestly fine about it all. Things always happen for a reason, and they always occur within God's framework. That's something I've realised and it's definitely comforting to know. Everything occurs for a reason. Even the seemingly most hurtful things you're experiencing.

Church this week was about the Lord's vengeance. Funny how God chooses to speak to you through sermons if He chooses to. So what was the message quintessentially about? We as believers, should not attempt to carve out our own vengeance because in our finite capacity as humans, we fail to envisage perfect vengeance. In carrying out what we perceive as rightful justice, many more lives and people are hurt in the process. In the end, we can only leave it to God who knows all and sees all. He will see that our injustices are redressed and that those who hurt us are duly punished. But in the meantime, we should live out our lives in joy and faithfulness. I think the message struck a chord within me due to its relevance. Thoughts of vengeance and hate did cross my mind these past few weeks and I had contemplated on revenge. But I realise it takes energy to actually hate someone and that is an ounce of energy I cannot spare.

This hurt I will release, let go and leave to the Lord. Just like King David in his desperation at being pursued by his enemies, I will leave it to the Lord to redress my wrongs. The focus is on other things now and the hate should not consume me. Only then will life seem more fulfilling.

"You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the Lord abhors. - Psalm 5:6"

Traveller fell apart at 7:32 PM

May 28, 2006

The Light At The End

To say it's been a tumultuous few months since December would be an understatement. Some things are hard to take especially when you put so much faith and hope in them, and they leave you with crumbs at the end. Fear, depression, anxiety, sadness all flashed through my mind at one point or another. Somehow, I feared I would never recover, that life would never be the same, that deep down I was irreversibly scarred.

And those fears have been unfounded.

I think I'm beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. That tomorrow and the future isn't quite so bleak just because I was hurt emotionally. But I think I've taken a few lessons from this ordeal and with those in mind, I'm sure I'll emerge wiser and more resilient. If there's something I will always remember, it's that the feeling that the person you're with is in love with someone else from their past is the most absolute worst feeling in the world and I would never wish it on anyone else. I may have no evidence to back my claims, but not everything can be proven purely on evidence. Gut feel, as flimsy as it sounds, can sometimes prove to be the difference between truth and deception. And in this case, I choose to trust what I feel deep down in my gut.

Why should I remain down in the dumps because of something that's gone? Why should I beat myself up over something which although may have been my mistake, was compounded by an inability to forgive? Why should time and my life and my emotions stand still for an unreachable conclusion? No more, Joel of the past, wallowing in his past memories and sins has disappeared. There is no point in doing so, no conceivable value, no intrinsic reward to be garnered from doing so. And hence, I will no longer do so.

I will be proven right, I'm quite sure of it. I'll watch and wait and see. Not that it matters anymore, but just so I'll have the opportunity to say 'I told you so'.

"Like a pawn, I've been used and abused. But they say your sins often return to haunt you, I hope they do."

Traveller fell apart at 2:52 AM

May 20, 2006



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Many of you might be wondering why I chose to blog in Mandarin, after I've been known to be a mostly 'English-based' person. Sometimes, there are some things which you can't express vividly in English quite like Mandarin and knowing an extra language definitely helps in the process. For those of you seeing gibberish on your screens, go to 'View' on your toolbar, under 'Encoding' go to 'Unified Code (UTF-8)' to make the Chinese words viewable.

After all's been said and done, all that I can keep are the memories of us in that 'heaven' we once shared. And that is all. The cruel reality of it is, everything's gone and never returns. So we move on in life, you to your new reality in the working world, me to my never-ending assignments and examinations. 'Twain the two shall never meet again.

Traveller fell apart at 3:17 AM

May 15, 2006

Hello, Lonely.

This is the type of song you'd want to listen to on a cold autumn morning when the sky is murky grey and you're trudging along, braving the wind to university. Just magnificent.

Hello Lonely - Theory Of A Deadman

Hello lonely
How you doin' today?
Hello sweet thing
Why don't you walk this way?

Hello, you again
How could you go and be so cold?
She said "Goodbye sad man"
'Cuz all this pain is getting old.

So why're you sad?
Don't you know that
It's you that holds my dreams and seems to always come back?

How do I live without you?
How could you walk away from this, just walk away from this again?
How do I live without you?
How could you walk away from this, just walk away from this?

Hello lonely
Now that you're gone I can move on
Goodbye sweet thing
Just know that I've been here all along

So why're you sad?
Don't you know that
It's you who holds my dreams and seems to always come back?

How do I live without you?
How could you walk away from this, just walk away from this again?
How do I live without you?
How could you walk away from this, just walk away from this again?
Again and Again.

All those days you waste on me
I just can't let you go.

Now that you're gone, I can move on. Just know that I've been there all along.

Traveller fell apart at 11:40 AM

May 13, 2006

A Tribute

This is it then, the end of an era. An era in which passion, determination and fierce loyalty characterised Newcastle United's dressing room. Although the trophies never arrived in these 10 years, Alan Shearer's leadership during this period has been worth far more than that. His refusal of Manchester United's offer in 1996 to sign for his hometown club spoke volumes of the man's character. It had always been his dream; to captain Newcastle United and to lead the team out to 52,000 screaming Geordie fans week in, week out.

Why then, you would think, am I sorry that he's gone? Alan Shearer's always been an inspiration to me, both in terms of his playing abilities and his attitude towards life. Despite the success he's always enjoyed in ruffling the back of the net, despite the hero status he's always experienced at St. James' Park, it's never gotten to him. He's always kept his head down and stayed professional. No clubbing nights out, no speeding tickets, no frolicking with prostitutes and sluts. Can't say the same for many other rich soccer players out there. Despite all the wealth he's amassed, he stayed faithful to his family and not strayed.

Even when he's been battered and bruised, even when he needed 4 stitches to mend a wound he received during a match, Alan Shearer's always played on knowing the team was in need of leadership. His 206 goals plundered in 10 seasons for Newcastle United will never be forgotten, most notably the stunning volley against Everton and the hat-trick he scored against Leicester City to help Newcastle to a 4-3 victory. His heart will never be forgotten, because underneath it all, beats the soul of a Newcastle United fan willing his team on.

It's difficult to say goodbye to an old friend. The heart hangs heavy and the light goes out with a cruel flick of a switch. Nevertheless, we must wave off Alan Shearer, Geordie extraordinary, and prepare for existence without him. All that is good must eventually come to an end. Then it's time to bask in fond memories of great deeds and noble gestures.

Traveller fell apart at 8:22 PM

May 09, 2006

Autumn Comes

The orange maple leaves flutter in the wind
Signalling, announcing, floundering.
The season of death, everlasting.

A lonely figure traverses the mountain slopes
In search of his soul and humanity lost.
He fights his way onward, climbs and gropes
Lost in the darkness, entombed in frost.

Will past mistakes return to haunt?
Is love truly gone?
Only he dost know, or does he know not?
Perhaps he is tying himself dead knots.

Soon, autumn will leave and winter come
Perhaps only then will it be done.
His life, his dreams all come to halt
And maybe in the end he'll say
'It was all my fault'.

Traveller fell apart at 10:46 PM

May 08, 2006

A New Hope

Does fate really exist? Can serendipity bind two in a single moment in time? I watched this music video and really loved how they simplified the whole notion of fate at work. Check this out.

Daniel Powter - Bad Day

That point in the MTV where he smiled enviously at the old couple, I know too well how that feels.

Traveller fell apart at 4:50 PM

May 05, 2006

The Triumph Of Realism

Political apathy is something Singaporeans have come to be synonymous with. Ask the layman on the street what he feels about the latest economic issues or social policies introduced by the People's Action Party and you'd be hard pressed to gain a meaningful response. Simply put, Singaporeans have been brought up to focus on the now and present, making ends meet and getting rich quick. The rest doesn't matter simply because it's in the hands of the 'gah-men'.

The General Elections this year have special significance for me simply because it's the first time I'm actually a part of this electoral process even though I don't have the opportunity to vote. I'm a full-fledged adult in the eyes of the political hierarchy and not a minor in the eyes of the law. Of particular interest this time to me is Hougang SMC and the election campaigning going on there. It's simply a case of idealism vs realism, a case of wanting an opposition voice in Parliament vs upgrading a derelict estate.

Many would argue for the need for an opposition, someone to speak out against the majority PAP MPs in Parliament. Without that, the debating and discussion process in Parliament would effectively be a farce, they argue. But these same people come back home everyday to paint peeling off their HDB blocks, lifts not functioning properly and they look across the street to PAP constituencies and notice the difference. I wonder what goes on in their heads, is that voice of opposition in Parliament really worth all the sacrifice?

I believe that realism will triumph over that voice this elections. I believe the residents will vote with their heads and not their hearts. I believe Eric Low will win Hougang SMC and the PAP will enjoy a landslide victory this Elections overall. That's not to say I approve of it. This 'carrot-and-stick' politik that Low Thia Khiang insists PAP is playing, it's really not the case. It's just a case of bringing the realism to the hearts of the voters.

Traveller fell apart at 12:02 PM

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