June 27, 2005

Solitary Confinement

The exams ended last Tuesday, and with an unfamiliar tinge to it. You see, I'm used to feeling doubtful and regretful about what I did with regards to the papers themselves. It's not quite rare that I underachieve in examinations, I slump to bottomless pits and try desperately to console myself that I'd study harder the next time round. Not this time round though. I'm feeling strangely relieved and light after these exams. And for once, I'm actually feeling excited about getting back my results next month. It's this peace within me that I can't explain, that I know I did quite decently for these examinations. I can only pray that this over-confidence doesn't kill me with arrogant pomp.

The post-examinations break has been a quiet one so far. Due to unexpected developments, I find myself unable to spend these first few days of the winter holidays with her, something which I figure I'm going to have to learn to deal with. Chungwei, Jonathan and Christian have been busying themselves with outings and such while I have largely cooped myself up at home, content to read or bang away on the PlayStation 2 that Ron left at our place. It's in times like these that I get tempted to think and contemplate. Times where the air is so silent and still at home that you feel almost suffocated by the silence. And in some sick twisted way, I find myself telling myself that this is not so bad. That I've lived pretty much in solitude all these years and a few more days in it wouldn't kill me. I can only hope that sanity doesn't desert me one of these days.

I've also found myself a job working at Phil's bakery for the winter holidays. I think working there has taught me a couple of things about life which I never realised. Firstly, I've learnt that money is really something which is earned and not given. All those cold nights in the bakery and the tough work kneading the dough and placing the bread into the ovens, sometimes seriously tries my patience. But I persevere, because I know that it's part of character building. It's a process in which I gain independence and work for my own keep. It's tiring definitely, but also supremely satisfying knowing that you're earning your own money and can choose to spend it however you wish. All in all, I'm just grateful for the chance to earn some extra pocket money these holidays and at the same time, learn life lessons from 'guru' Phil. Heh.

These holidays will be a time of silent reflection and contemplation. And somehow, I feel it's so much better than going out to the city everyday and spending money. Because at least this way, you store up treasures for yourself in the future.

Traveller fell apart at 10:32 AM

June 02, 2005

Culminating Pressure

I've been silent for the past two weeks, not out of choice but due to pure necessity. The exams for Semester 1 are around the corner, and it's due to my newly imbued spirit of excellence that I've come to mugging as hard as I can. It's strange really, I would have thought that in this atmosphere everything would seem stressed and tensed up, but the fact of the matter is that it hasn't been. Things have been smooth sailing, almost too smooth sailing to be true and there are times when I stop to wonder when this will all end, when the cycle of unhappiness will return to haunt. But there's this sense of silent confidence, that from now on, whatever hits me I will be able to handle. All because of you.

The coming winter has brought mostly dark and gloomy skies to Melbourne. Nights have been beginning at 5.30pm and even daylight hours don't bring the expected sunshine to the place. It's really no wonder that winter suicide rates are always the highest throughout the year when it seems that hell literally freezes over. But I think it's all subjective. You choose what to make of your own reality. It doesn't determine how you live life and it most certainly won't determine how you choose to die.

I think I've learnt a lesson in life with regards to faith over the last week. Faith without works is really....just a word. There's no point professing about your faith in something if you aren't willing to show it through deeds. There's no point telling people about your tremendous faith if when it comes to the crunch, you high-tail it and run. Faith is a dirty word to many people, because they feel it involves being naive and trusting. I don't agree. Faith, to me, represents strength and courage. Strength, because of the required inner stability to trust in something you know you can only hope for and not ascertain. Courage, because there's a chance that your faith might fail you and subconsciously, you know you're going to have to muster it in order to forgive and move on. Faith is also important in a relationship, really it is. Without faith and trust, a relationship is really just a companionship.

And that is why I have faith in us. Really, I do.

"It's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate."

Traveller fell apart at 9:45 AM

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