November 25, 2006

The Hammer Blow

Tonight's the night. The night I put the final nail in the coffin to any hope of us salvaging anything from the relationship. From December 16th 2005 till now, I'd always secretly harboured silent hopes of us somehow finding the resolve or chemistry to once again mend what's broken down between us. There were nights in secret where I'd try to look on the bright side of things, where somehow I'd think of ways I might show you I was changing. That I was becoming who you wanted me to be.

Perhaps I've been too soft all along, always trying to accommodate your whims and fancies. Perhaps that's the precise reason why it failed all along, not the reasons you suggested were the case. But don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or emotional right now. It's just a silent resolution that I've thought of after these past weeks where I've been given much room and space for introspection. I don't want to hold on to those things that I believe still exist, I don't want to be chained to this prison of emotional stasis at all. I need to be free, free to pursue my own happiness and future stability.

Last night on the way home, I heard this song on the radio and resolved to myself. Tonight was the night I dropped the hammer blow.

The All-American Rejects - It Ends Tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all that wants
And all that needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
Your finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight

It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when your blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside

Now you’re the first to know.

A weight is lifted on this evening, I give the final blow.


Traveller fell apart at 2:39 AM

November 18, 2006

New Horizons

I've blogged alot in the past year about melancholy, solitude and my dark thoughts. It was unavoidable, given the circumstances I found myself caught in; a maelstrom of uncertainty and hurt, washed away in my own grief and already melancholic nature. It hasn't been easy dealing with the issues this past year, but I'm glad to say I've come out stronger than before. I know I've declared myself free of emotional wreckage more times than I care to remember this year, but I can only say that this time I think it's really behind me. I'm joyful deep down, really I am.

Have you ever caught someone's gaze while they're looking dreamy? It's said that when you do, you get a true reflection of that person's soul. Right at that moment. It's amazing what you see when you aren't expecting to, astounding what you feel when you're not willing to. But I think I saw something right at that moment in time, I saw a glimpse of light. Some semblance of hope in an all-too-dreary future. And maybe that's what I need right now, something to kickstart my life back in order.

I'm not afraid to try again, and I hope it's mutual. But that's it, isn't it? I can only hope and pray that God's choice prevails. I'm apprehensive, I admit that. But could you blame me after all that's happened? I'm apprehensive, cautious but I'm not afraid. I want to give it a try, but I've got to know if what I'm feeling is just a figment of my imagination or something concrete. Perhaps you are too, wondering, waiting, hoping. And perhaps we are both doing that same wondering... under the same night sky... right at that granule of sand in the hourglass. Intertwined.

"You give me something that makes me scared alright. This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try. Please give me something, that someday I might know in my heart."


Traveller fell apart at 4:12 AM

November 07, 2006

Reverent Trepidation

It is in the dead of night as my fingers hammer away at the keyboard, as if in a desperate attempt to encapsulate all that I've just experienced. But do words suffice when the presence of God is upon you? I think not. Simply because God is a spiritual experience. That need for God is something experienced from deep within the crevices of the incomplete soul, and not one which can be tapered over by poetic words. And when God's presence is near, you can't help but wonder as your thoughts wander, and the silence in the room becomes a silent tribute to His magnificent greatness.

Have you ever had this experience? A moment in time where the clock stands still and the moments in time seem to be temporarily suspended. And there you are, kneeling down and praying, soul bleating out in desperation for God's healing touch; and He does come. Your muscles begin to tremble, to shiver in anticipation and yet fear. The deep quivering from within, knowing that the Creator and Controller of the world has heard your thoughts and responded. Knowing that you and you alone enjoy a special relationship with Him. Such a beautiful and yet awesome moment all at once.

It's hardly describable and yet such a wonderful gift handed to us on a silver platter. That God would give up all His glory and majesty just to suffer humiliation and death for a race of beings who are well known for ungratefulness. And doing this, in spite of knowing too well what would unravel even in spite of such a magnificent sacrifice. That is what I call love. And it's something I'd do well to attempt to emulate.


Traveller fell apart at 4:24 AM

November 02, 2006

Fleeting Thoughts

It's been sometime since I last posted any semblance of a thread, probably due in part to my examinations and also lack of opportunity or space for thought in the midst of the stress. Well, those examinations ended today, leaving most of the afternoon free for me to wander about in solitary thought.

I'm used to friends coming up to me and telling me they've gotten together with someone or that they're celebrating their 'thousand-month' anniversary. In a way, I've learnt to take such statements in my stride and try not to let them affect me. It's become easier recently, due in part to the fact that I've been facing such situations for most of the year now. Singlehood's become part of my life now, something I can't refute. Soon, I'll graduate from University and become a Yuppie; and it'll be a new phase in life which I'll have to learn to deal with. The only thing perhaps regrettable is the prospect of facing these times alone.

I know its a tad bit melodramatic when I proclaim my possible singlehood for years to come. But in a way, the solitude this past year has showed me a lighter and possibly more practical side of being alone. It means less accountability, more freedom and more flexibility. The loneliness faced is something that is not insurmountable and a subsequent victory in this battle would mean a lifetime of possible bliss in solitude. That's not to say that marriage isn't a good thing. Having a family is wonderful and provides much needed bonus waiting when you get home, but it's something that can be dealt with both emotionally and practically. It isn't essential and merely a bonus many have come to take for granted.

Some are born to live in solitude, and there are those destined to wallow in adoration. I'm beginning to see where I am on that one.


Traveller fell apart at 1:17 AM

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