February 26, 2006
Picking Up The Pieces
And so here I am, back in Melbourne and in a pseudo-dream. Except that it isn't quite that way this time. It was hard initially after arriving because the car trip back took me past so many places we'd visited before. And as they zipped past me in a flash, I felt as if the reality of us together also slipped past me in the blink of an eye. On opening the door of my room, some of the stuff we made and bought together jumped out at me, catching my attention and forcing the memories yet again. But I'm ok now, I guess at this point I can only be grateful for what God blessed me with and move on with life.
My new obsession with photography has drawn curious stares and questions from friends around me. Perhaps it's this innate need to record everything I've ever done and been to in facets of photo frames from now on. I think it's because over the summer I've realised how fleeting everything in life is, how things can change in an instant and how we need to be able to have something physical to hold onto when everything's gone and all we have are our memories. In that sense, photography affords me that luxury of keeping memoribilia. It allows a happy or sad moment to be forever captured against the ticking clock. And it expresses so much of what I'm feeling inside in a way as well. It's a form of catharsis for me I suppose, something I can turn to and enjoy.
Uni's starting tomorrow officially and I'm apprehensive. But I'm not going to let the circumstances dictate my conditions, I'm going to press on and dictate my own conditions. Because that's the only way we should live life. That's the only way success is bred. And that's the way I want life to be.
"The sounds of yesterday don't bring back sad memories, but they remind me of a time less laden with burden."
Traveller fell apart at 3:30 PM
February 22, 2006
When I'm Gone
So this is it. The summer holidays, here and gone in a flash and whirl. I think I've grown in character and personality immensely these past few months and perhaps it's because of the way things have turned out. So the saying is true, that adversity moulds and shapes resistance and strength. I originally had a big speech, a big goodbye 'sermon' to give. But speeches and sermons are for men who are wise, those who command enough respect to warrant a speech from the masses who stay glued to their every word. Me? I'm just a normal human being who's made mistakes, who's just trying to learn from the painful consequences my errors have brought about.
I've learnt lessons of life through what's happened, valuable lessons that will stay with me till the end of my time here on earth. But unlike last year, I'm not going to list them down. I feel that these lessons are mine to ponder and to retrospect. I'm just sorry to whomever I've ever hurt with my selfishness and pride, with my self-righteousness and indecision. Be it family, friends or loved ones, I apologise with all my heart. But even that isn't enough, is it? Sometimes apologies come too late, promises made broken can hardly be patched up together again. And so the broken pieces drift down the river of time, doomed to be lost forever in the ocean of eternity.
The next few months will take me down a different road, one which isn't familiar to me. But I'll strive and work hard to make my future brighter. And even though I don't know what's going to happen in future, I know that God watches over me, and keeps me in His sights. And in that knowledge, I trod down that path. The lonely path into the unknown.
See you in November.
"My guilt begets my departure. And so I take the longest road I could find, away from you, away from the memories."
Traveller fell apart at 7:42 PM
February 14, 2006
Valentine's For The Rest Of Us
It's that time of the year again. I think I commented on the stupidity some people can get into on this day last year, and even in pragmatic unromantic Singapore, the extent to some of the stupidity is quite ridiculous. I think in the midst of all the fervour over it being a day for romance, people forget that it's also International Friendship Day. Scant attention is also paid to the fact that the parental love, sibling love and all sorts of platonic love can all also be celebrated on this day. It was something I chose to focus on this year, something which I've often neglected and taken for granted.
I visited Grandma yesterday night and had a nice chat with her. Although most of the time, we're barely able to communicate, last night was good in a strange sort of way. Her smiling eyes telling me to be a good boy and study hard in Australia and to listen to Mom, and yet, I detected a hint of sadness in that her favourite and only grandson was going on hiatus for another year. I think Grandma misses me, and I miss her too. If it's something I've realised these past few months, it's that things are hardly there forever if you take them for granted. There's this innate fear in me that Grandma might not be around when I next return and it's freaking me.
I also went down to Dad's grave today. Strange to think that it's been 8 years since he passed away and yet how it seems like just yesterday. Alot of memories were re-visited, and I almost heard the laughter I displayed as a kid when Dad would crack one of his lame jokes. As I stood looking at his final resting place, somehow I knew inside that I wanted to make Dad proud; to make my life a success and to be the best that I can be. The grief and anguish at losing him may have receded, but does missing his absence ever? Whatever it is, I'm just grateful to God for giving me those 15 years of him as my father.
I was also grateful for the opportunity to meet you today; because frankly it wasn't something I was expecting. Not after all that's happened, you'd be perfectly justified not to want to see me. But today's lunch was pleasant and reminded me of times long gone. Which was really sweet. I'm just glad things are the way they are and after everything, it's turned out alright.
All in all, it's been a good Valentine's. Grandma, Dad and you. What more could I ask?
" Everything that I am, comes from a better man. All that I've said and I've done, can't rewrite my history, right there for all to see, I'm just my father's son. "
Traveller fell apart at 9:02 PM
February 11, 2006
There Are Times
There are times when I wish things would go back to the way they were
And then I remember the way I treated you and I don't wish quite anymore.
There are times when I wonder why you aren't there when I'm crying in bed
And then I remember the number of times I haven't been there for you either.
There are times when I just want you all to myself
And then I remind myself that you're much happier out there without me.
There are times when I hoped the phone would ring at 2.30 in the morning
And then I think of the times when I shouted at you over the phone.
There are times when I'd try to guess what you're doing right now
And then I remember the times I only cared about what I was doing.
There are times when I hope to see you smiling at me once more
And then I remember that wry smile you gave when you knew things were over.
And in all these times, I will always remember that you're much better off without me in your life. And that alone, is enough to make me contented.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I wish you the best and happiness forever and forever; through all the days of your life.
Traveller fell apart at 2:06 AM
February 04, 2006
God. And Abit Of Shannon Noll.
It was shaping up to be one of those nights. The nights where thoughts begin to wander, where memories begin to flood the cerebral. Desperate to avoid the pain, I got on my knees and cried out to God. I needed deliverance, and at this point I felt only He could provide it. True to His word, He did not disappoint. Answering my call in the faintest voice which pervaded the silent still air of the room. But in His speech, I found comfort and solace from everything this world had thrown at me.
Me: Lord, if it were Your will, take this pain from me. Remove every single trace of hurt inside me and restore my will, my love for people and You.
Yahweh: Child, you have suffered this pain for many nights and yet, only now have you come to me. Why is this so? Do you doubt My power? Do you lack faith?
Me: I...must admit, I have fallen away recently. I have indulged in grief far too much and have found that I have lost my bearing, my sense of direction. It's as if I'm caught in a tsunami wave with no control over my direction. I have failed You.
Yahweh: But child, have you really failed me? I see not the flaws on you as if to condemn you, I see only your good traits. You have lacked faith and yet you have always defended My name in times of debate. This I admire and am pleased with you.
Me: Lord, I'm troubled. I've been in turmoil these past 2 months and yet, try as I may, time does not heal the wounds. I need Your help, need You to erase what's happened. Seal the rift. Do anything. Just release me.
Yahweh: And why would you want that? Would you really want to erase everything? I have allowed all these to happen for reasons you may not see. The events which happened have formed beautiful memories for you to keep in the rest of your days. The mistakes you've made to destroy those memories are a lesson for you to learn. Has not everything worked out according to plan? Life is about savouring what I have granted and learning from what you have ruined. Ultimately, you'll become a better person.
Me: Lord, perhaps you are right. I've been so focused on my own perceived suffering I've not thought about how I've hurt others. I've neglected empathy, of how my actions may have affected others. All this time I've lived a self-centric life and I know I can't. I want to change and only You can bring about that.
Yahweh: Think about others before you go about your daily affairs. Recognise that you are but a speck of humanity in an ocean full of souls. Remember Christ and what He did on the cross and how unselfish that was. I have made Man with a capacity to love and share and this is something which should not be beyond you. Try, my child, for there is nothing better in this world.
Me: Thank You Lord, you never fail. Do, you?
Yahweh: No child, I love you guys too much to do that. By the way, press 'enter' on your laptop.
I did, and this song came filtering through. A smile filled my face as I thanked God and Shannon Noll. Haha.
Shannon Noll - Lift
I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning about life the hard way
And it ain't working
Seems like forever that you've been falling
It's time to move on, your life is calling, yeah.
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again
'Cause I know how hard it can get
You've gotta lift, you've gotta lift!
Sometimes that's how it is, but I know you're stronger, stronger than this
You've gotta lift.
You've gotta lift.
When you can feel your whole body's aching
What's left of your heart it won't stop breaking
You've gotta let go, you took a hit
It's time to pick up now, move on from this
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again
You've got to lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give in
Wipe your eyes and remember you're better than this
Let them know that they took their best shot and they missed
Come on and lift
And in that instant, that moment. It felt as if the Almighty Creator of the universe was holding a private audience with insignificant me.
Traveller fell apart at 2:51 AM