Melancholic Derivations

November 15, 2007

Homebound

Time is a commodity which we always seem to take for granted. How many times have we, as humans, complained that time flies? It certainly seems so again this year, because in a matter of hours I will be leaving Melbourne for the summer for the fourth and final time in my undergraduate life.

Reflection is a trait which we often seem to miss especially in the midst of hectic schedules and on-the-go lifestyles. And as much as I would like to reflect on 2007 that's just gone by, I am overwhelmed by the Providence of God which has been manifested to me through this year. Not only have I grown spiritually and in maturity over the year, God has imbued in me a new-found sense of confidence and charisma which I will take home with me to the internship. It's strange to think that circumstances in life shape us, mould us into the people we will turn out to be and yet we seek to control the circumstances which arrive at our doorstep. I am grateful to God for the year of opportunities and favour and I am astounded at the power of Faith and Prayer in the accomplishment of the impossible.

Even as I depart Melbourne on SQ228 tomorrow, I refuse to let this spiritual high go on a hiatus like all the previous summers have turned out. Somehow in Singapore, there is this general sense of spiritual dryness which engulfs me the moment I'm home. Whether it be because of the creature comforts of home, or the hostile spiritual climate, I am determined not to let the year in Melbourne go to waste. Because if all we hold dear is a part of us we're willing to let go of in adversity, then it speaks volumes about our character when it comes to the crunch.

I need prayer, I need a stable church to attend. And in Thee will I trust.

"Sola Fide."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 3:19 AM

October 10, 2007

Whatever It Takes

Lifehouse's new album is absolutely amazing, and I know no amount of words I put on this journal could possibly do justice to the intricacy of the album. The lyrics, the tunes, the synthesizing of mild melancholy and silent resignation. It's so.....Lifehouse.

Here's one of them that's been on auto-repeat for most of the day. No obvious connotations though, because everything's dead and buried now and all that's left is a brave but scarred new me.

Lifehouse - Whatever It Takes

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I know you deserve much better. But I'm all I've got, and all I have to offer. If it's in God's Will, He will provide a way.

Labels: Life In General, Songs

Traveller fell apart at 5:33 PM

July 17, 2007

Final Year

The winter of 2007's finally set in, bringing with it chilly winds and single-digit temperatures. It's bringing a sense of deja vu as well, harking my mind back to the winter of 2004 when I first arrived in Australia as a blurry-eyed, fresh 'graduate' from the school of hard knocks (Army la!). Perhaps what's most pertinently enlightening about the flashbacks are the fact that these 3 years are ones in which I've experienced much growth, both in maturity and spiritually.

The winter holidays came by and left in a flash; I was sick for half of it, then at church camp for the other half. Although most would say the camp brought about tremendous spiritual growth due to the sermons being preached, the fervent corporate prayer we had every night or the devotions at 'ungodly' hours, I'd say those events weren't the catalyst for bringing about spiritual revival for me. Rather, it was knowing that behind each and every mask and facade in church is a story, a life story about someone who's been through a crisis or joyous times, a life story which is just as moving and inspiring as the next person. Through this camp, I got to know people I might not have otherwise talked to, I deepened existing friendships with people in church and got to know them more intimately and most importantly, because of the strengthening in my horizontal relationships, the vertical one with the Almighty was strengthened as well.

I'm grateful for the friends I've made in Ebenezer and I hope that I've greatly enriched their lives as much as they've blessed mine. The spiritual growth has just been amazing and the camaraderie experienced as we serve God together is just mind-blowing. In some ways I'm frustrated that I have only a year left before I graduate and return to Money-pore for good, but in a totally different light, the dwindling hours I have left in Melbourne make me all the more determined to grasp the opportunity to serve in whatever way I can. Hitherto hath the Lord helped us!

Truly, an amazing revelation.

"Today is all you've got now, and today is all you'll ever have."

Labels: Life In General

Traveller fell apart at 1:58 PM

April 08, 2007

Easter Hiatus

It's been an edifying few days. Easter Camp at Ebenezer was particularly rewarding because not only were the seminars and themes delivered powerfully from the pulpit, the company was excellent as well. I'm slowly beginning to enjoy being in this church, and I hope that this time, it won't turn all awry like how the last experience did. It's been great meeting the young adults at Bible Study, growing together in God and learning more about each other's quirks as we go. Quintessentially, Ebenezer's slowly beginning to feel like a home church to me; something which I've been craving since Day One in Melbourne.

I'm a bloody choosy person when it comes to romance, I think I've established that before. But recently, I've been wondering if it is this choosy attitude which will eventually lead to a lifetime in solitude. I still cannot, however, accept the notion that one can be abit loose in terms of criteria in choosing a life partner. How can you gamble on your lifetime's happiness? It is ludicrous and something which I would never do. For me, the stand remains that I'd rather be alone than be with someone whom I'm not completely satisfied with. At the moment, though, the former looks like a more plausible reality.

Over my summer working at Ernst & Young, I realised that working life in Singapore eats up your social life. Even if you're not called back to the office on the weekends, you'd feel generally too lethargic to wander around town. This lack of social life permeates into a subsequent lack of romantic eventualities and the result? Singlehood rate in Singapore rising at an alarming rate, so alarming that the government has to introduce campaigns which teach people the basics of dating. It's quite amusing and at the same time scary because there is this sinking feeling within me that the likelihood of me remaining single is looming large (read: 1.5 years away).

And everyday I wonder what the Lord has in store for me. O, the mystery. O, the anticipation.

"The miles are getting longer it seems, the closer I get to you."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 4:46 PM

March 16, 2007

Salting Old Wounds

You never know when life will throw you a curveball, you really never will. The conversation with S forced much introspection, much deep thought as to how I've been living my life. Ashamedly, I haven't exactly been a model Christian. I've failed one too many times and succumbed to weaknesses I should have overcome a long time ago. 'Demons' which should have been subdued rear their ugly head every now and then, giving way to fear and apprehension as to whether I'd ever escape from the cyclical nature of my own sin.

I need to take a stand. I need to step forward in faith.

All through my life, I've been living mostly for me. It's hard to naturally take consideration of others when you've practically lived your whole life self-absorbed. Times where I should have given heed to how others may have felt, I merely dismissed their concerns. Occasions where I could have shown love and patience, I filled in with callousness and selfishness. Instances where I could have given hope and friendship, I substituted with a judgemental attitude and haughty demeanour. I regret my actions now, and sometimes I fear that I may have realised all of this too late. But the beauty of life is, we always get a second chance to correct the wrongs we've made. Unless of course we're dead.

Repairing relations with people I've held a grudge with for years is a good start. I want to start trying to love all of God's people and to treat them with respect in all that they do. I want to see everyone as an equal, and to appreciate all the little quirks they've been blessed with. I want to try and enjoy time spent with friends, no strings attached. I just want to feel again, and not be stuck in this ivory tower of melancholy. And today I will.

It sounds corny and unbelievable, but I'm done living for me. It's time to start living for Him.

Labels: Life In General

Traveller fell apart at 1:47 AM

February 17, 2007

Saying My Goodbyes

They say that goodbyes are the hardest part to swallow down in a person's life. I've never felt the essence of that statement, the emotionality of it usually bouncing off the stone cold shield I've erected around myself. Till today.

My internship at Ernst & Young ended today, leaving me in slight limbo over the way I'd spend the rest of my 6 days in Singapore. I realise I've revolved my life around work and the office so much so that I've effectively left myself empty inside and lost when there isn't an office to go to. The late nights, the difficult clients and the frustrating work all paled in comparison to the laughter, jokes and camaraderie my audit team shared with one another. It made things easier to go through, and time passed quickly even as I was enjoying my time with them. Suddenly, I've found myself at the end of this journey; a journey I initially began with slight apprehension and nervousness but one which I now find myself missing so much. Lessons have been learnt through this work experience, not only technical career-wise ones but also life lessons and methods of dealing with people, be they difficult or friendly. It's been such an epiphany for me and there are definitely no regrets.

Besides my summer vacation job, I've also been forced to say goodbye to H.J. Heights, a condominium I've lived in for nearly 20 years of my life. It's been sold in an en bloc and with confirmation coming through on the sale, we've been given to the end of the year to pack up and move on. It isn't really the dingy old buildings I will miss per se, but rather the company I will sorely hanker after. The childhood friends I've made during my years here, how we used to play soccer by the pool and the irate responses those activities brought about; how we loved to spend time in each others' houses hammering away on those PlayStation controllers or playing make-believe games when we were younger. These are memories I will keep with me all my life, and more so now after all the physicalities are done away with. We've grown up alot, from young, innocent kids into mature, responsible adults. I'm proud of us all for the way we turned out and I'm just sad that we'll soon be dispersing into various diasporas of Singaporean communities. But such is life, constantly evolving, changing and unforgiving. My childhood was a part of life I thought would never fall prey to the ever-changing nature of time. But now, even that will be reclaimed by the metal arm of a bulldozer.

I said my goodbyes to the colleagues at Ernst & Young and also to my childhood friends today, leaving me feeling a tad bit melancholic now. It's abit tough not to swallow hard, when you've said goodbye to effectively half your life in a single day.

"Que sara, sara. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 2:02 AM

January 29, 2007

Looking Forward

A drop of salt into a freshwater pond changes it fundamentally, altering its chemical composition and over time, even its eco-system. So too do experiences change our lives, altering our emotional and maturity compositions. My internship has definitely altered my mindset, bringing to focus both the harsh realities of working life and at the same time, how bliss can be found in little things that we often take for granted.

I think one of the utmost lessons I've learnt this summer is that working environment is extremely important. Have a good bunch of colleagues and you'll find that time passes really quickly and powerful synergy coarses through the veins of everyone. Thankfully, I haven't had the misfortune to experience the other end of the spectrum and pray that the next 3 weeks pass by as well as the previous 5 have gone. I'm thankful for Chee Han, possibly one of the best leaders I've ever worked under. Somehow he manages to combine ruthless efficiency with consideration for his subordinates in a blend which offends no one but gets the job done in time. It's something I'd do well to emulate, to learn from and I'm sure the daily morning cab ride conversations with him do no harm to that respect.

Normally, people attribute such good fortune to merely Luck or Fate. I'd like to think that there is a Being beyond our comprehension who controls and ensures that everything in life is for a purpose. And it's good to know that there's Someone out there who's always watching out for your interests no matter what the circumstances. It's a comforting thought but one which is hard to grasp in fast-paced, affluent Singapore. And that is also a reason why I've been considering migration as a viable option after my graduation.

Because when push comes to shove, God is more important than anything this world can offer me.

Labels: Life In General

Traveller fell apart at 2:39 AM

January 01, 2007

New Year Blues

It was a pretty interesting New Year party which was spent with the OCFers. Food, drinks and plenty of camaraderie seemed to temporarily mask the troubled thoughts I've been having in recent times. Perhaps it's a tad bit too melodramatic to classify the thoughts I've been having as troubling, quite simply because they don't affect me in terms of physical, mental or spiritual health. But it's just that nagging, ankle-biting feeling that won't go away and seems to haunt me when I let my guard down. Just for that one second.

It gets weird when you stumble upon a party with 6 other couples and you. The sudden realisation leaves you wondering when that proverbial 'One' will come along to light your emotional path for the next 50 years. For some, it's a dreamy affair, one that pleases them as they daydream about their future partner. For others, it's more like a nightmare which haunts them in every waking moment. I would say I'm somewhere in the middle at present; but it's at occasions like these which exacerbate the effect tremendously.

And it was right at that moment during the night that this song played on the speakers, compounding the effect.

Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Will anyone ever fix me?

Labels: Life In General, Melancholic

Traveller fell apart at 6:27 AM

December 25, 2006

Christmas Solitude

It's been sometime since the last post, most notably due to a change in schedule owing to my ongoing internship. Suffice to say, the job's been stretching me to the limit, challenging my spontaneity and resourcefulness in ways I could never have envisioned myself accomplishing. The stretching has been part and parcel of the job, and it's become part and parcel of life ideology. The idea that one can stay stagnant and unflinching now becomes a distant, discarded idea. Flexibility and energy become key to survival and success in the job, they become essential and paramount in everyday life. And with work experience, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt my CV either. The only downside to it all is coming back alone at 9pm in the evening; the long, long ride home from the CBD allows room for quiet reflection. And this inevitably invites those all-too-familiar melancholic thoughts.

This Christmas has been a quiet affair for me and the family. The itinerary of a normal Singaporean family would usually include Christmas lunch and party at night, coupled with opening of presents under the Christmas tree, lots of alcohol and plenty of camaraderie. For me, it's been a slightly more low-key affair. Content to stay home filling my evening with Love Actually on TV, it may sound like a really lonely end to Christmas Eve. But deep down I'm content, and I'm enjoying this solitude. Really, I am. Even though Christmas usually means spending time with the people you treasure most, I think in this case, I'm doing just that by staying home with my parents.

I've been inundated with contemplation and a slight apprehension of a future without a partner. But it's all good now. It does become good when you get adjusted to the idea of going through the various stages of your life with only your own emotions and feelings to take heed of. And sometimes in life, it's not just about what SHOULD happen but what DOES happen. Very often, the two don't quite match in outcome and we are left disappointed. But life's like that. Cruel, surprising and unassuming. Conversely, since life is so full of surprises, I may just end up with someone after all.

But it's really not on my priority list for now. So let's just put that thought on the backburner.

"You don't need nobody to make it on your own. You don't need nobody, you'd rather be alone."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts.

Traveller fell apart at 4:38 AM

December 10, 2006

Till Death Do Us Part

I've been in semi-hiatus mode from blogging, partly due to a 'comatose' state I've been in for the past few weeks but mostly due to an apparent lack of inspiration with regards to my blog content. I don't believe in just blogging about my life and what I did, simply because I don't think those things are important enough for me to actually own a webspace and to tell blog audiences about which meal I ate at McDonalds. Today though, stirred up a hornet's nest within me.

Attending a primary school classmate's wedding tonight, I found myself forced to confront issues which had been left dormant and unresolved. As the music played and the blissful couple sauntered down the parapet, I felt a sense of apprehension begin to take over me. It was as if I was trying to imagine myself sometime down the road in that exact same position, and yet, I couldn't imagine it. I've begun doubting whether marriage will occur in the near future or even at all. And you know marriage should be around the corner when a guy who used to play marbles and 'catching' around the school corridors with you sees fit to tie the knot.

But let's be fair. He signed on for the Navy and is able to sustain a stable income. He's been dating the same girl for almost 7 years before they decided to get married. Short of the ride up the Eiffel, their love story's practically a fairy tale. As the montage of their photos played together with snazzy 80s love songs, I began to wonder whether I'd ever find anyone. Perhaps it's inevitable that such feelings come, given the company I was in; most of my primary school classmates are happily attached and enjoy the security of a stable long-term relationship. Some of them were even speculating as to who would be handing out the invitation within the next five years. And all I could mutter deep down as the banter continued was, "not me".

Perhaps its human nature to want to feel needed and loved by someone. And try as I may, its hard to be completely apathetic to the concept of love. Believe me, ever since last year I've tried and failed to dispel love from my life. It's hard not to love family and friends who constantly shower undemanding affection towards you, and it's equally as hard as a guy not to develop feelings for a girl who meets your criteria. But to take that next step, to seriously pursue and sustain a long-term relationship... that is where my 'emotional block' lies.

I can't, it's really too difficult. And maybe just as well. Because as far as I can tell, it will be a long time before I find myself saying 'I Do' at the altar.

"You're driftwood floating underwater, breaking into pieces...and pieces."

Labels: Life In General, Thoughts

Traveller fell apart at 3:38 AM

October 13, 2006

Busybee

I haven't posted recently and I chose a particular inauspicious time to update the blog. It's Friday the 13th, and the weather outside's been somewhat parallel to that experienced in Hell. In a word, it's HOT. It was 36C yesterday and today was set to hit 30C until a cool front came over Melbourne in the afternoon and bathed the city in cool, 22C fresh air. The bad thing about heat here is that it's dry and it feels like a fan-forced oven, so much so that you can't perspire and as a result, feel extremely stuffy and heaty. I'm just glad I'm not going to be here for the summer.

Besides the weather, there's been my studies to contend with. Examinations are in 2 weeks time following which I'll be heading home on the 11th of November. After a year long hiatus, I'm interested to see how much Singapore's changed while I was gone. It's become like a yearly ritual, me returning to a world of difference and then having to leave it before I've gotten used to anything. And the cycle repeats itself to the point where I feel totally disconnected from the Singaporean life. But I'm looking forward to returning home, to my family and friends I haven't seen in a year. To changes and uncertainty, to a place I will always call home.

There's been no time for much contemplation recently, which in a way is good. Too much free time results in alot of melancholy for me, such is the nature of my mind; it wanders whenever allowed to, culminating in grey clouds gathering in the recesses of my mind. So perhaps in a way, this is good. Keeping busy, keeping active and exhausting myself everyday. Maybe this is the approach I should take in the future. That way, I won't get hurt or feel hurt, and I'll always be in a constant state of achievement.

Maybe that's what will heal me in the end. Or maybe it's You.

Labels: Life In General

Traveller fell apart at 6:36 PM