December 10, 2006

Till Death Do Us Part

I've been in semi-hiatus mode from blogging, partly due to a 'comatose' state I've been in for the past few weeks but mostly due to an apparent lack of inspiration with regards to my blog content. I don't believe in just blogging about my life and what I did, simply because I don't think those things are important enough for me to actually own a webspace and to tell blog audiences about which meal I ate at McDonalds. Today though, stirred up a hornet's nest within me.

Attending a primary school classmate's wedding tonight, I found myself forced to confront issues which had been left dormant and unresolved. As the music played and the blissful couple sauntered down the parapet, I felt a sense of apprehension begin to take over me. It was as if I was trying to imagine myself sometime down the road in that exact same position, and yet, I couldn't imagine it. I've begun doubting whether marriage will occur in the near future or even at all. And you know marriage should be around the corner when a guy who used to play marbles and 'catching' around the school corridors with you sees fit to tie the knot.

But let's be fair. He signed on for the Navy and is able to sustain a stable income. He's been dating the same girl for almost 7 years before they decided to get married. Short of the ride up the Eiffel, their love story's practically a fairy tale. As the montage of their photos played together with snazzy 80s love songs, I began to wonder whether I'd ever find anyone. Perhaps it's inevitable that such feelings come, given the company I was in; most of my primary school classmates are happily attached and enjoy the security of a stable long-term relationship. Some of them were even speculating as to who would be handing out the invitation within the next five years. And all I could mutter deep down as the banter continued was, "not me".

Perhaps its human nature to want to feel needed and loved by someone. And try as I may, its hard to be completely apathetic to the concept of love. Believe me, ever since last year I've tried and failed to dispel love from my life. It's hard not to love family and friends who constantly shower undemanding affection towards you, and it's equally as hard as a guy not to develop feelings for a girl who meets your criteria. But to take that next step, to seriously pursue and sustain a long-term relationship... that is where my 'emotional block' lies.

I can't, it's really too difficult. And maybe just as well. Because as far as I can tell, it will be a long time before I find myself saying 'I Do' at the altar.

"You're driftwood floating underwater, breaking into pieces...and pieces."

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Traveller fell apart at 3:38 AM

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