February 22, 2007
I think the title aptly describes a possible scenario which may greet me at the end of this year. Coming back to foreign surroundings in Singapore and not recognising things which made me comfortable, which were representations of my childhood. How do you say goodbye to a house you spent your entire conscious life in? How do you spend the last night in an embodiment of your memories? I'm feeling lost suddenly, stuck in a quagmire of emotions which resurfaced on the eve of my departure from Singapore. To say that it is just a house simplifies the experiences I've had in this place, cheapens the entire richness of my lively childhood. It is sad, but yet, the going of the old heralds new beginnings. By the time I return to Singapore this November, this place will be a pile of rubble and I will be trying to get accustomed to new surroundings. It is a daunting thought, but not something I haven't faced before.
I went to visit Grandma today as I've been doing for the past few years whenever I'm about to leave. Although it was good seeing her as it always has been for the past 24 years, a tinge of sadness gripped me when I realised she could no longer remember me. I wonder really, whether our memories are truly erased when old and demented, or are they stored somewhere else where we find it impossible to reach? Grandma's recent illness has caused me to rethink life itself; the fragility, the unpredictability of it all. It scares me. I remember when I returned in November, she was there to greet me as always and to cook my favourite baked beans in minced meat. And in a flash, she's deteriorated drastically with the culmination of it being today when she couldn't remember me. There must be more to life than material possessions and prestige. After all, what use is all that money when your health can be taken away in an instant? I really hope Grandma's still lucid and coherent when I return but at this point, its a faint hope that I'm not willing to place much emotions on. Simply because I am preparing myself for the worst.
There's always a myriad of emotions when I'm about to depart and even though this is the 4th time, it's no different. Fear, worry, apprehension all jump into the mix; leaving me in a mess emotionally as I'm about to embark on my final year.
I really hope everything turns out okay. See you in November.
Traveller fell apart at 12:12 AM