September 02, 2006

Cloudy Insides

I think I've learnt quite a few things over the past few days. It's been tumultuous and at the same time, really enriching. Certain events which I didn't expect to take place, took place. And to say that I was left bewildered by them would be an understatement. But the disappointment has subsided, because I realise it's nothing new to be disappointed in life. It's really just part and parcel, something which makes life what it is. And in the end, life still goes on...and on.

I think I haven't been truly happy for awhile now. The times I've said I'm happy have been instances of false contentment. Flickers of sunshine slipping through the cracks in my universe, if you will. What constitutes happiness then? It's the feeling you get in your heart that you couldn't wish for anything better, that things are perfect the way they are. Although in our limited scope of vision as humans, that kind of happiness seems self-delusional. But, I'm sure I've felt that sort of happiness before sometime ago. Not too long ago in fact. But somehow it's been gone this year, leaving the inside a hollow, empty shell with which to contend with every morning when I get out of bed.

I'm grateful for friends around me who constantly try to tell me to cheer up. It's comforting to know that people around do care about how you're feeling. But the cynic in me says that when it comes to the crunch, the true friends I have are few and far between. And it is often this cynic in me which controls my actions and mindset, so excuse me for feeling the hopelessness in more than half the friendships I have.

They say when Spring comes the mood lifts too, the sunshine flooding in the heart and the birds chirping filling the ear drums with sweet sounds. Then how come it's still cloudy inside? I want to know.

"我受了重伤, 离开只是种疗方. 放手逃离伤心的海岸, 遗憾的是没找到麻木的药方."

Traveller fell apart at 2:22 PM

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