August 17, 2006
It's been a sunny few days, perhaps reflective of what's been festering within my soul. Despite the dark and troubled days which have incessantly seemed to gravitate around my life, I've recently begun to slowly, as they say metaphorically "chase those dark clouds away". So it becomes a possibility then, one day the melancholy will be lifted and I return to my usual self. But wait? Hasn't being melancholic actually become a part of my self-identity?
I get many comments from friends that the songs I listen to are far too disheartening, depressing and depriving of an inner happiness for myself. But can they truly fathom the depths of misery entombed within? I think not. I've always said that life is a very individual experience which you attempt to cover up by gravitating yourself towards a large circle of friends. But ultimately, experiences are there to be borne alone, feelings are there to be shouldered alone, and on Judgement Day, salvation will be decided alone. No one can say that they've lived someone else's life and understand what the other person is going through. That is why I never use the phrase "I know what you're going through" simply because its meaningless and patronising. We will NEVER know how that person is feeling, and so I don't think my song choices or the way I choose to approach life can be criticized, really.
But I digress from the point of this post. I think deep down there is a part of me that really wants to be happy, like all normal human beings. Inside the nether regions of my soul, there is a longing to be loved, just like how God created the first man and woman. I want to live life to the fullest, to meet people and to hunger for success and bliss. And I want to do it all under the bright sunlight of God's joy, not under the dark clouds of melancholy. But you know, sometimes, it becomes such a part of you that to remove it from your life would be to remove character from your life.
Choices, choices. Dilemmas abound.
"I dare you to move, I dare you to move, I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor."
Traveller fell apart at 1:05 AM