May 28, 2006
The Light At The End
To say it's been a tumultuous few months since December would be an understatement. Some things are hard to take especially when you put so much faith and hope in them, and they leave you with crumbs at the end. Fear, depression, anxiety, sadness all flashed through my mind at one point or another. Somehow, I feared I would never recover, that life would never be the same, that deep down I was irreversibly scarred.
And those fears have been unfounded.
I think I'm beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. That tomorrow and the future isn't quite so bleak just because I was hurt emotionally. But I think I've taken a few lessons from this ordeal and with those in mind, I'm sure I'll emerge wiser and more resilient. If there's something I will always remember, it's that the feeling that the person you're with is in love with someone else from their past is the most absolute worst feeling in the world and I would never wish it on anyone else. I may have no evidence to back my claims, but not everything can be proven purely on evidence. Gut feel, as flimsy as it sounds, can sometimes prove to be the difference between truth and deception. And in this case, I choose to trust what I feel deep down in my gut.
Why should I remain down in the dumps because of something that's gone? Why should I beat myself up over something which although may have been my mistake, was compounded by an inability to forgive? Why should time and my life and my emotions stand still for an unreachable conclusion? No more, Joel of the past, wallowing in his past memories and sins has disappeared. There is no point in doing so, no conceivable value, no intrinsic reward to be garnered from doing so. And hence, I will no longer do so.
I will be proven right, I'm quite sure of it. I'll watch and wait and see. Not that it matters anymore, but just so I'll have the opportunity to say 'I told you so'.
"Like a pawn, I've been used and abused. But they say your sins often return to haunt you, I hope they do."
Traveller fell apart at 2:52 AM