April 21, 2006

The Doldrums of Easter

It's almost the end of easter break, and it's been a pretty uneventful one. Been cooped up mostly at home, lost in my own thoughts whilst braving the cold and rain outside. In some ways, I'm thankful that there's not been much to do this holidays. At least I don't quite have to fake a smile and tell everyone I'm ok when I'm not. At least the lying will stop somewhere, and in private I don't have to lie to myself.

In some ways, perhaps I was being naive. Believing in my own will to recover and to move on, I'd actually hoped that the sad spells would be gone by this time. But they're not. They continue to haunt and linger, and try as I might, pray as hard as I can, they refuse to leave. The shadows of yesteryear play out in my mind repeatedly, and sometimes it's hard not to shed a tear. And yet, even a tear seems a pale comparison to the torrents inside.

I frequently stop to wonder when there will be sunshine, when there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. And it was then that I realised that my whole life's been a tunnel, a never-ending stream of darkness save a few lamps of illumination here and there. But like everything else, the lamps go out and leave the darkness lingering. In life, everyone, everything will one day leave you. Nothing is forever, everything transient. Parents, lovers, friends, acquaintances, they all must die or leave you. What becomes the point then, in these circumstances, of shedding any ounce of effort to build relationships? I'm beginning to question, to wonder. But I know, these questions are all but rhetorical. They will never be answered, not least till I meet God and ask Him why.

In the meantime, I struggle and try to keep my head above water. Above the fact of sinking into depression.

"Do you ever think you'll never love that way again? Perhaps so...perhaps."

Traveller fell apart at 3:21 AM

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