January 28, 2006

Red Season Mk II

I remember posting about it last year during Chinese New Year, how Grandma would watch like a hawk when all of us cousins entered the dining hall; as if in hopes of seeing someone in tow. She asked me the question I'd have least liked to hear, at least at this point in time and somehow when she did ask, I heard my heart give a loud sigh deep down. I remember being assured that I might not be spending Chinese New Year alone this time around, but life hardly backs you up when it comes to assurances like that. Instead, more often than not, it leaves you high and dry. Disappointed, disembowelled by circumstances and destroyed by expectations.

Every year at Chinese New Year, the numbers seem to dwindle. Family members who were seen last year aren't seen in the next. Perhaps it's God's way of telling us that life moves on relentlessly, that people won't always be there forever. I remember family gatherings when I was just a child, where there'd be at least 4-5 places to visit throughout the festive period. Nowadays, it's more like a paltry two. Not to say I'm complaining about how things have turned out. But situations and developments like these only remind you of life's liquidity. There is no solid ground, no constant if you will. People come and go, they leave you or die. Perhaps the only people you can count on are your family; and even they have to die someday.

So where does that leave us? Alone and facing the torrents of life as a solitary figure cut in the midst of chaos? Perhaps so. At least that's how I feel. I know friends and family continue to be there, for support and love. But somehow, I know I've lost the aspect of life which God created us to cherish the most. That of love. And that is where the winter in my heart resides.

"This was never meant to be the end, close the book and start again."

Traveller fell apart at 11:30 PM

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