January 15, 2006

Droplets of Memories

Funny how things can turn in a matter of months. Funny how life can beat you down just when you're proclaiming joy. Funny how there's a fine line between love and hatred. It's a funny proposition; this concept labelled existence. But in that case, it's a sad existence. Because even though we might find momentary joy or bliss, it's all fleeting, all moving along an existential timeline designed to elude our grasp before we know it. And that's why it's important to cherish these moments of happiness.

My moment of happiness came and gone. In spite of everything that happened, the memories remain. Lodged in my heart and my mind, coming back occasionally to remind me of a peace and love I once felt but so swiftly snatched from my grasp. The things you said, about zipping up my Quiksilver sweater, about taking initiative in life, about keeping up image in public, about working hard and being a successful person, about being a good leader of the family, about learning to appreciate the Chinese language and so much more. The things you whispered in my ear, hugged me and showed you care, I'll never forget. Because all that's just gone and those were perhaps the last moments of love I'd experience in this lifetime.

I think I understand now what Jiehan was mentioning regarding a void developing in his heart. It's hard to describe and hard to pin down. It's not anguish as how most would feel after losing a loved one, more like a numbness; an apathy which sets in and devours your last shreds of capabilities to love anyone else. Idealism, something which I believed impossible in myself, found itself momentarily but was whisked away yet again. Who could blame me then, if I were to be cynical about affairs of the heart all my life from now on? Can I bring myself to take that plunge again? I think not. I've always feared close attachment and now even more so after what's happened.

I'm not stupid. I won't give up on myself and my life. I'll continue working hard and making myself the best I can be. I'll develop my character further and push my limits of endurance. But somehow I feel what's left of my capacity to feel empathy died along with everything else here. And all that remains, will be just a loveless, heartless bastard.

"There is a moment where fear and dream must collide."

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Traveller fell apart at 5:03 PM


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