August 22, 2004

It is said that the gift of intelligence is a genetic inheritance. A wealth of knowledge inherited from our predecessors if you will. But on occasions, I ask, is this gift of thought and contemplation truly a gift? Or is it somewhat a curse? For example, when offered a present by an individual, do you try to figure out what his true motives are? Do you try to pre-suppose his intentions and then decide what the next most plausible alternative to accepting his present is? Or do you just smile and happily accept what has been handed to you on a silver platter? In some senses, having ignorance is a bliss which I have been unable to experience. Too many times, I find my thoughts drifting...drifting through cynicality and pessimism. But can I be blamed? After all, this world has demonstrated too many times how optimism and happiness is severely punished if gone overboard. So can you really blame me for my perpetual cynicism? I think not.

But at times, I'm wondering whether this gift of cynicism and foresight is truly a gift. It's like I'm unable to enjoy life on the surface and continually attempt to delve into deeper meanings, underlying intentions and secret signals. Life isn't a take-and-go scenario for me anymore, it is more like a think-hard-and-far-before-you-accept-something scenario. Each day, the cynicism is fueled by the hate and deceit I see in the world. Each night, the demons in my head come out and speak to me, consoling me and explaining how cynicism saved me once again. And scarily enough, I'm actually beginning to like having them there. But I know deep down, there is a part of me wanting to break free from this lifestyle. Perhaps it is something which Christianity terms a 'soul'. Perhaps it does exist after all, and is calling out for salvation. But for now I know, cynicism triumphs over emotions. At least in my case.

Traveller fell apart at 1:32 PM

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