February 19, 2004
I am confused to say the least. Ideas that my mind had revisited in ages past seem to have found their way to the forefront of my vision. Religion has long been an aspect of my life that I have put behind, shoved if you will. Despite being born into a Christian family and having extremely devout parents, I have failed to find God on my own. Hence, when Joseph told me today that my problem was my lack of experience with God, it struck me deep down. I tried not to show it but Joseph seems to have thawed his way through my cold wall of resistance. It is not that I enjoy resisting the word of God but out of sheer need for intellectual control and logic, I have somehow asked God to take a 'backseat'.
When reading about the perils of Rayford and Chloe in the Left Behind series I recently acquired, it hit me then. I did not want to be part of the non-believers that were left behind. I did not want to be a false Christian and to continue living in shame and sin. I realized all these mistakes but unfortunately, the real world is far from the ones they teach us about in Sunday school. People don't just go on their knees spontaneously to admit their wrongdoings. They need to be pushed, cajoled and prodded in the right direction. In my case, however, I think I just need a boot up my arse. But it hasn't come. For some reason.
Many thoughts have been swirling through my head and keeping up with them is a task that I find impossible to keep up with. Perhaps only through divine intervention will I finally grasp them firmly and plan my next step. In the meantime, I live as I always have ; stuck in a myriad of conflicting and damaging emotions.
Traveller fell apart at 3:23 AM